Thinking of giving up.

Hello…I’m a singer in a folk choir, definitely seeking for advice because there are things which I can’t hold anymore but also there isn’t anyone around me to who I can open myself and who could understand.

To explain things a little, the music in our choir is a little bit different from the typical style—it’s harmonious but also has an oriental, traditional layer on top, richly ornamented in most cases.

I started with folk singing about 8–9 years ago, and even though I’m a complete amateur, I became one of the best and most flexible singers in the choir. I used to be a soprano, then transitioned to second soprano because the harmony is more challenging.

This year I was given a solo—honestly, the most beautiful song we’ve ever sung, but also the most difficult. I’ve been practicing it for two years, but we’ve only performed it three times on stage. And technically speaking, it’s actually easy for me now… much simpler than the songs I’m currently learning.

However, yesterday we had a concert, and even though the song is easy for me, I made a huge mistake that everyone heard. There was no way to hide it because the solo soprano was on an individual microphone… and that was me.

We sang 13 songs in total; mine was the 11th. Only now do I realize how insane the harmonies actually are—some songs don’t just change keys, they sometimes change modes 3–4 times within a single piece. And we sing everything by memory, which I’m realizing today is mentally exhausting.

As always before the concert I had stage fright and was so nervous, but once it started I did everything I could to stay light, calm, and smiling. It actually worked—I enjoyed the moment. Until the 9th song. Then the nervousness hit again and I started sweating. The 10th song was easy but very fast… and then my moment came.

I went to the front, took the microphone, and started singing. Even though I was nervous, I had to hold myself together because of the complex harmony behind me. Timing, tone accuracy, every breath was important. I always tend to sing solos a little bit higher than what it should be and they always correct me about this so I remembered it and positioned my voice just right where it should be. I held it together until the final part. I told myself, “This is almost the end, you’ve got this.” And that’s exactly when I messed up. Those few seconds felt like knives.

I forgot to do a specific transition, which caused the others to change the chord while I didn’t. It was so hard to get out of the situation without interrupting the song, but somehow I did. I don’t even remember how, but we finished… and it sounded ugly and messed up.

I stayed calm, went back to my place, smiled, and kept singing until the end of the concert. Afterwards I didn’t say anything to anyone—just changed clothes, went home, and cried the whole night. (I rarely cry.)

I cried like a baby. My heart felt like it was breaking, because I gave my soul to this song. I sang it more than a hundred times in the last two weeks—every day at least 10 times in a row so I could control my voice even when tired or breathless.

It hurts even more because I’m not a professional singer but always secretly wanted to be one. I never went to an academy. I just have a teacher who believed in me and made me who I am today. She was the one who opened the doors to a whole new world and I will always be thankful to her.

I’ve always tried to act like a professional, always striving to improve technically. But yesterday I realized that no matter how well I sing, actually I’m not a real performer. I don’t get the same performance opportunities professionals do, and I haven’t been trained for it.

I can sing solo here and there with some instrumental accompaniment, but I’m not used to powering through many difficult songs in a row and then standing alone, switching to melody, and focusing completely again.

Next month is our next concert—the most important one of the year—and again I’m supposed to sing this solo. But I’m thinking of stepping down and suggesting our conductor choose a professional who actually works as a singer.

Should I do it? Maybe it’s better for the choir and a more realistic choice if we want to present ourselves in the best way.

I had a higher vision for this song. I spent two years of my life with it, and it will always be special to me. There’s a specific emotion I wanted to convey—it’s a love song and I wanted to express it as beautifully as possible. But all three performances so far have been nightmares in one way or another.

I even thought about leaving the choir. My job and university exhaust me, and I need music as a hobby and as a way to relax. I want to feel free when I sing; I want to fly. That’s what I wanted yesterday on stage. I wanted to fly freely, and that feeling was the only thing that could calm my mind.

But leaving the choir would mean singing alone at home, with no one to share this very specific style of music with and no one to grow with. I’ve always dreamed of meeting an instrumentalist to collaborate with, but they’ve never appeared in my life.

It feels like there is no other place to go but I feel the need to escape. My heart aches so much and it is the first time I feel like this. Every time I am alone I always take the opportunity to sing…Today I just want to stay silent and hear other voices singing but not mine…

On top of everything, our conductor loves me so much and would be hurt if I left. And I love her too.

What would you do if you were me? Would you keep your position in such a structure like the choir? Would you keep trying? Or would give up the song accepting that you have failed?

Thank you for reading my story!