Holiday seasons

I don't know if I can handle going through this year's season. The seasonal depression is already setting its claws deep and the crying fits feel endless all the pain of past seasons that burned to the hand of the universe fate. Most my Christmas have been awful due to varying circumstances be it my fault or outside of my control. I don't feel capable or even a desire to experience another year of being on my own through it all. Somehow I'm gonna try and get sober through all this pain I just don't have it in me anymore to keep fighting the universe doesn't want me to ever succeed in any form and everytime I try it reminds me my place in this world.