Anybody else?

I feel like my mind is becoming my biggest enemy. Some mornings I wake up feeling totally fine, even hopeful and other mornings I can’t even get myself to move. My brain runs nonstop all day, but if someone asked me what I’m actually thinking about, I wouldn’t be able to give a straight answer. It’s like there’s too much going on in my head to make sense of any of it. I feel like I’m losing knowledge every day honestly… On the outside, my life looks “normal.” I’m 26, I have a solid job, I make decent money, have a great support system, gf, and amazing friends. But behind all that, I’ve been dealing with depression since I was really young. I even had a three-day hospital stay in high school that I thought would change everything. It didn’t. I’ve always felt different — like I never really fit anywhere. I used to tell my mom that I couldn’t picture my future at all, and honestly, sometimes I still can’t. I was prescribed Zoloft initially but just made the switch to Wellbutrin about a week ago which has definitely given me more energy but I’m still struggling to really enjoy life again. I work a high stress job and honestly the first 2 years of my job have been a non stop adrenaline rush. I recently moved to a different area and I think the switch from going to always busy and always hectic to a slower paced environment really messed with my head. I was finally able to process the sh*t I was dealing with I guess. For a while I felt like I was finally on track, but recently it feels like I’ve slipped into a hole that’s getting harder and harder to climb out of. I’m exhausted in a way that sleep doesn’t fix. And because I can still function — I still show up, I still work, I still do what I need to do — people assume I’m fine. They don’t see how much effort it takes just to get through the day. I finally decided to take some time away from work because every day I was there I felt like I was on edge and on the verge of an anxiety attack every second. I’ve never dealt with anxiety or nervousness to that extent before. Lately, my jaw and teeth hurt from clenching without even noticing. Some days I have to plan out every tiny step just to get out the door, and by the time I’m done planning, I don’t even go anywhere. When I’m around people or distracted, I feel okay for a bit… but the second everything quiets down again, the heaviness comes right back. I’ve been thinking a lot about certain memories that randomly came back into my mind from my childhood and they’re honestly really uncomfortable. I’m never one to really let things get the best of me and I push through a lot even if I’m hurting but recently it wasn’t just showing up mentally it was also affecting me physically. I asked for some help and have had 3 appointments with a therapist so far over zoom that have been useless, if anything it makes me feel crazier and if I’m just weak and looking for attention when that’s not at all what I’m trying to do. My therapist tells me she doesn’t think I’m depressed because I’m able to get up every day and still function and when I actually explained to her some stuff from my childhood she responded with “wow, you know sometimes even therapists are at a loss for words but that sounds heavy…anyways here’s some calming techniques you can try..” I don’t need talk therapy..I honestly don’t know what I need. I know a lot of this is on me to work through, but right now it feels overwhelming. I’m trying, but it’s hard.