Don't know what do without a friend

Kinda feeling really lost. I'm 14 and over a year ago now I lost my best friend; we drifted apart and eventually it messily ended. She was the best friend i've ever had and I'm so so lost without her. There isn't a single person in my life who knows me as well as she did and it just aches so much. I have other friends who are great people but it all feels shallow because for some reason, I don't even know how to have conversations anymore. I'm so patheticly awkward and I constantly say rude things accidentally ruining any chance of a good friendship. I just want to be happy and feel okay with myself but everything just hurts. I miss her so much and still cry about it often and miss every good part of our friendship but she's changed now and there's no way to rekindle it. Life is so lonely and empty. Every day just gets worse and I constantly wonder what even keeps me here. I don't even know why I wrote this; it's just so hard to keep it all in so thank you for reading.