My life moves in a vicious cycle. It has been this way since I was little. [Please avoid if you are easily triggered. ]

I have had those thoughts since I was little. I became very depressed at around 12-13 years old. I had an early puberty. Throughout the years I have fluctuated between being okay and not being okay. Almost as if I were bipolar. I'm diagnosed autistic.

No matter what, it seems that I can never win. My antidepressants always wear off. They're never worth it. My current one makes my memory near-amnesiac. That may be an exaggeration, but still. I plan to get off of it soon.

I work on a sine wave, essentially. RN I am in the low part of the wave, again. I was doing fine for a while, but something turned on in my brain. It feels like there's a worm in my heart. It cuts off the flow of emotions. I barely have any natural dopamine.

It is as if I'm drowning, and someone is constantly trying to pull me out, but I keep falling back down again. Not particularly on purpose either. I blame this on my autism. Life is especially difficult for me at the moment. There's a lot of stressors, and my autism keeps me consistently depressed. It's something that I feel I could never overcome. I will always be depressed. I will always have these thoughts.

I won't waste my life away, but it sure is very difficult to keep on living.