He’s sick with cancer now I’m his caregiver

My husband is very sick right now, terminal cancer, and I’m doing everything for him—caregiving, managing the house, the kids, the stress, all of it. And even though I’m trying to focus on the present and be supportive, I can’t get the past out of my head.

Before his condition got bad, he treated me terribly. The yelling, the belittling, the way he made me feel small and guilty for things I didn’t do, the physical abuse… it all left marks that I’m still carrying. I spent years walking on eggshells around someone who should’ve been my partner. And now I’m supposed to be the strong one, the caretaker, the calm one—while pretending none of that happened.

I feel guilty even saying this out loud. Everyone sees me as the supportive wife holding everything together, but inside I’m exhausted and angry. Angry that he hurt me. Angry that I never got an apology. Angry that now I’m the one doing everything because there’s no choice.

I don’t want him to be sick. I don’t wish anything bad on him. But it’s so confusing to feel compassion and resentment at the same time, and I don’t have anyone in my life I can say that to without being judged.

I just needed to get this out somewhere. If anyone else has been a caregiver for someone who used to abuse them… how did you deal with all those mixed feelings? The guilt, the anger, the obligation, the heartbreak?

I just feel really alone in this. I’m in therapy but sometimes it’s still hard to redirect my thoughts like my therapist says