Does love really “come and go”? My boyfriend [37M] says he doesn’t love me [35F] in certain moments and I’m devastated. Is this normal or just a definition issue?

Hi everyone, I’m really shaken by something my boyfriend said and I would love to hear other people’s opinions and experiences. I’m not sure if this is a misunderstanding about definitions or if he actually meant what it sounded like. It has left me feeling very insecure.

My boyfriend and I told us we love each other. Everything was fine. Then I asked him if he had ever questioned his love for me.

Context: In his previous relationship he was very infatuated in the beginning but then never got to "loving" her because he found she had character traits that he didn't like. Even after realizing that, he stayed with her for almost 3 years. With me, it took him over a year to say "I love you" and I just wondered if he had ever felt similar with me.

He paused for a moment, thinking. Then he said something like: “Well, it’s like a wave. It’s not always the same. When I need me-time for example and you feel overwhelming to me, then I don’t love you in that moment because I see you more negatively.”

That stung. I tried to reinterpret what he meant, hoping he didn’t mean it literally. I explained my view: For me, love is the foundation. Feelings fluctuate, you get annoyed, you argue, but the love is still there underneath. Annoyance sits on top of it but doesn’t make the love disappear.

He told me I was hung up on definitions and that what he said is what he meant. That in those moments he does not love me. But that it’s temporary and comes back afterward, II shouldn’t read too much into it.

I tried again: “So the love isn’t gone. It’s just overshadowed and you can’t access the feeling while you’re overwhelmed or stressed?” He insisted that no, sometimes he simply does not love me in that moment. But it always returns.

This completely destroyed my feeling of security. I told him I was hurt and that it makes me feel unsafe in the relationship. Now I’m scared that his love switches on and off depending on his mood, or that he only loves me during good times, which feels like conditional love.

When I cried he hugged me and said he isn’t good with words and tends to overthink before answering. He said he doesn’t believe he loves me any less than someone who wouldn’t phrase it that way. He also said it’s not like his previous relationship and that he is sure about us, besides the fact that he doesn’t always love me.

I’m really confused. Maybe I'm overthinking.

How do you experience love? Does love come and go for you or would you say love is always there as a baseline and it's just different emotions that fluctuate? Do you think this is concerning?

TLDR: My boyfriend told me that when he feels overwhelmed, stressed, annoyed or needs space, he “does not love me in those moments” but the feeling comes back afterward. For me love is constant even if emotions fluctuate, so this made me feel really unsafe. I don’t know if this is just a wording issue or if he actually means it literally. I’d love to hear others’ experiences with how love fluctuates or doesn’t.