I don’t care about being sa’d anymore

I don’t remember the last time I cared that I was sa’d for a long time. The last time it happened to me was the 8th, I had relapsed on heroin the same day too.

For a couple of days I was sad and I got a little depressed. Right after I was sa’d, I cried. I was also really high. My boyfriend sometimes sexually assaults me. I know I should leave and that staying is wrong, but I can’t. I’m so attached to him and I have mental breakdowns by the thought of him leaving.

The first time I was ever sa’d I was 7. It happened again at 9. I didn’t realize i was sa’d then until I was 13. Then at 13 I got taken advantage of by my ex and she would sa me too. When I was 15 I got sa’d by a stranger when I was at school. Now I’m my age and my boyfriend does it. I feel like such a loser for staying, but I can’t bring myself to care anymore. I just feel used to it. I feel so fucked up.

He coerces me into giving him head sometimes while he’s driving or when I’m really high and I’m saying I don’t feel good. It’s not that bad when he makes me do things, but last time he touched me. I felt so disgusting I was extremely depressed for days. He bit me before he sa’d me, I didn’t even consent to the bite either but the bite left a mark after and I hated seeing it. He bit me really hard, harder than usual. It was a huge reminder to me. It happens when we’re usually both high. I have a lower tolerance so I’ll “green” out sometimes and I won’t be able to really register anything. That’s what happened last time. I didn’t know if I was dreaming and I’d ask him and tell him I could barely move. He had to move me himself and he called me his doll. After everything, he was a bit rude to me over text but he told me I sounded like I loved it and I was moaning. He only touched me with his fingers, but he kept trying to get me to agree to head and I kept telling him I didn’t feel good. He knew I didn’t feel good, but maybe he was also really high and didn’t realize it. I don’t know if he knows what he does to me is considered sa. We’re both young. He was sa’d as a kid. I don’t know why people keep repeating the cycle with me. I have a fear that one day I’ll become like them and want to sa people. I know I would never do that but I get so scared because I’ve witness this two times.

I hated it so much, but I started sexualizing it in a way and I’d fantasize about it. I feel so gross. I keep going back to him because I have so much love for him and I’m so obsessed with him. I feel fine now, like it never happened. I keep reading the notes I left for myself everytime he sa’d me but I just can’t believe it happened. I can’t feel any emotion towards the memories. I can’t force the memories in my head. I just can’t connect. The notes mean nothing to me, what happened means nothing to me. I’m so stupid. I’m sorry if this makes no sense I’m high right now. I’m a mess and so is my head.