The Stars in Realignment: Ch. 08 - Measure of a Ma'am (Part 1)

“Permission to come aboard,” Alalia recited with rigidity that her posture shared as a salute was issued.

“Permission granted,” a soft but sturdy voice returned. 

From where Ataraxi stood she could not see the face it belonged to but had a familiar and calming tone to it.

“When you requested to dock I knew I should come down here personally to receive you,” the soothing voice explained. “What fate befell our foolish friend?”

Alalia's posture relaxed once the formalities were dispensed with but she still hadn't given the signal for Ataraxi to make her entrance.

So, the bird waited patiently and listened. Really listened this time. To the way humans spoke, and communicated with words unsaid. She knew now at least part of what the expected answer would be, and it would not be given, but she had tasked herself with hearing it in the between the lines doublespeak herself.

“I told you he'd never fucking call for help,” Alalia said with venomous intent on the last word before doing so again for her clarification, “Not if doing so would mean he was admitting he was wrong.” 

“And, yet he did?” The soft voice asked in a barely audible whisper, “Then what happened?”

“Then we had an obligation to rescue survivors,” Alalia responded with a painful matter-of-factness.

“And?” the voice asked.

And there it was, Ataraxi thought to herself with grim understanding. If SASHA was the only survivor there would be no distress call. The only reason to ask if he was still alive is… if she had killed him as she had intended.

“And he's gonna sleep off one hell of a hangover, but he should pull through,” Alalia said with a shrug.

“Stars above,” the voice sighed just as Ataraxi dared to peek and caught a glance of a hand going up to the human's forehead. Though it obscured the tall slender woman's face Ataraxi could not help but curse internally.

It really is her. Ataraxi was stricken with a pang of guilt she had not prepared for, despite being on this path since she spoke it into existence in the dean’s office. Quickly she pressed herself back against the airlock gateway, and the realization demarcated by the least of Alalia’s grievances set in. I really am ‘the other woman’!

“You know he means war, Alalia.” The voice was pleading now but Alalia hardened in response. 

“I said he wouldn't call if he wasn't right,” Alalia righteously proclaimed as she stepped from the door into her rigid attentive posture again, “Presenting--” Alalia continued unabated and, in a booming, voice she introduced: “Chosen Advocate of the Averan people, Ataraxi of Ater Trine.”

Ataraxi stepped forth from the breech and offered the traditional wing splayed curtsey. One that typically involved a deep and humbling bow as a show of submission that she forewent to instead maintain piercing eye contact.

As Alalia performed the ceremonial introductions of the human ship’s captain Ataraxi saw and seized an opportunity of her own to do something very human.

“Ataraxi, meet--”

“Maya Gida, yes?” Ataraxi interrupted, “I have heard so much about the other holy verse.” She cooed her best imitation of what she expected a classy noble might sound like in her place, “I feel I could practically sing your praises.”

The tall slender woman from Ataraxi's dream flight shot the short woman with dirt brown hair an accusatory glance; who in turn raised her hands in incredulity.

“Oh, Alalia didn't tell,” Ataraxi added as she returned to an upright but hopefully regal-enough bearing and took on a more gossipy tone. “Vivian spoke of her wife quite often.” Ataraxi fanned her feathers in front of her beak and cast a blushing glance away for emphasis when adding, “She seems to still love you quite a lot!”

Maya Gida was unbalanced by Ataraxi's self introduction, that much was clear, and the little bird searched intently for any hidden clues in that response. Despite studying the human family structure for class, and even having a human explain them to her in person, it was something she still didn't fully grasp. It also did not help that Vivian repeatedly stated that the state of her own family unit was more complicated than normal.

“I would prefer,” Maya Gida carefully parsed out the words, and as she did so Ataraxi took note but was no longer offended by the efforts when Maya continued, “any future impressions of me, and my people, you form are based on your own experiences.” She clarified further with a grimace, “Free from the coloration of the perspectives of others."

I'm sure you would. Ataraxi thought to herself as she nodded more eagerly than she felt. “Of course. Of course,” she crowed with a conciliatory gesture usually reserved for her people's language.

“I'm sorry this is all so sudden,” Maya responded with some conciliatory gestures native to her own people, “We thought the Council's Advocate was still weeks away.” Maya shot a harsh glare at Alalia who mouthed back, I needed to see your fucking face. Before explaining: "We haven't even prepared quarters for…" and then paused while a realization washed over her.

“Her and her entourage of twenty six,” Alalia added less than helpfully. 

“Twenty seven unexpected guests,” Maya aggrieved.

“DURGA can handle it,” Alalia words came in a more relaxed tone that mirrored a softening of her disposition. The disposition of someone who had just confirmed a suspicion that they were happy with. Then she turned Ataraxi and added: “You haven't eaten in days. Let's get some fuckin’ grub.”

Ataraxi nodded, and bowed to Maya Gida who tersely excused herself to make arrangements. “One thing, if I may?” Ataraxi asked innocently to stop her host. “You mentioned war. Are we to be your prisoners?”

The silence grew dangerous as Maya steeled herself before responding. “I feel I have not made a good first impression,” she said and turned on Ataraxi with military force. She brought her hands together with palms touching briefly for the first word of her reintroduction. "Namaskar, I am Wing Commander Maya Gida. Leader of The Affix carrier group, and chosen representative of the Human species. You are on my ship, in the heart of my battle space, and are so because your spy ship has been impounded while your rescuer’s has been destroyed. By your actions no less." 

As the human spoke Ataraxi could feel herself losing ground to her mere presence. The very shadow she cast weighed heavily on Ataraxi as SASHA's interpretative analogy of the Trishul's capabilities refilled her mind’s eye. As she continued, with another step forward, the overhead light filtered through Maya’s long straight black hair and twisted its strands into the trauma of the tridents so numerous they blotted out the sun.

“You are a foreigner in foreign space with nowhere to go. You are at our mercy and our laws demand that this fact makes you a charge in our care.” The two meter tall woman crept into Ataraxi's personal space as she spoke all that was true back into existence. “I would prefer to think of us as potential friends who have had a series of unfortunate misunderstandings. But, if you choose to be a prisoner on this ship, then you find me equally accommodating.”

Ataraxi felt herself physically shrink at the words and all that came flooding back with them. Falling back in on herself she reached out for anything at all to save her, and latched onto Alalia's first words to her rather than at her. In their house now. Their norms. Not mine.

Ataraxi quivered as she spoke. In every way but with her words. “You are every bit the Advocate I would want if I were human.”

As Maya inspected Ataraxi and Ataraxi inspected Maya, the silence that hung in the air grew less sharp as moments dragged on and an unspoken understanding seemed to be reached. “I imagine the last few days have been trying for you,” Maya admitted when she finally spoke to dismiss Ataraxi, “Alalia is right. You should find something to eat while we prepare some amenities for you and your… friends?”

Ataraxi more felt, than saw, Alalia drape an arm around her shoulder. It came from the peripheries of her transfixed gaze that she was too scared to break on her own.  Increasingly more weight was placed on the petrified bird as she was forced to turn away and pointed down the corridor. When the eye contact was inevitably broken the trance she could feel herself in was broken with it.

“We're going,” Alalia announced with conviction.

“Thank you,” Ataraxi whispered as she was drug off to the ship's lounge.

***

Much like the rest of the ship Ataraxi had seen so far the ship’s lounge was a quiet and otherwise respectful place. Though, the company therein was far more relaxed than outside and in the various corridors. Similar in atmosphere, and activity, to the station-based nightclubs she had visited in the past with her Human roommate but more subdued. Ataraxi suspected that was due more to the nature of the clientele than any particular enforcement from leadership. It seemed that there was an unspoken agreement between the humans who simply knew how to behave here. 

That made her feel like the odd duck.

Alalia guided Ataraxi to a seat at the end of the bar and began ordering food and drink. While another DURGA unit prepared the food, Ataraxi attempted to spark up a brief and polite conversation with the human bartender. He had fair skin and fair hair. A chemist of some kind turned mixologist. When she attempted to discreetly ask how much he made for the role, such that he would need two jobs, he didn't seem to understand the question. Rather he simply responded he chips in when he can because it makes his friends happy.

After downing a sweet smelling seedy liquid about the size of her own head, Alalia was served a grain wrap containing a mix of meat, vegetables, beans, and assorted toppings, all rolled into an edible tube. Efficient but not what Ataraxi was musing to be the point when Alalia finally turned to address her. 

“¿Qué chingados estabas pensando?” Alalia blurted out with a heavy sigh between bites, before recentering herself and asking again: “What the fuck were you thinking?”

Ataraxi sank on her perch that the humans called a stool. Alalia was neither coy nor quiet, and Ataraxi saw several humans in the establishment turn away from potentially the first alien in human space to give them some privacy.

“I…” Ataraxi hesitated as introspection took over. “I don't know,” she lied more to herself than Alalia.

The human whom Ataraxi shared a shower with, and a bout of unfettered honesty about the lengths she was willing to go to, simply looked unimpressed in response.

“I mean… it's embarrassing,” Ataraxi prefaced knowing that was itself not an explanation. “You got in my head, ya'know. Well, not you,” she hurriedly interjected with nervous supplications, “well yes you, too, but I mean all of you. All of this. It's just all so much.” Ataraxi shuffled her guide feathers on her wings in a bridging motion to ease the physical tension she could feel building. “So many important people… everyone having to drop everything for just… me.” Ataraxi looked down in her lap too ashamed to even meet Alalia's gaze. “I feel like I don't belong. There are so many better choices for Ambassador or Advocate or whatever than me.”

That wasn't the whole truth of the matter, though, but she needed to test the waters with this new human.

“Yeah,” Alalia said while Craig refilled her drink, “I can see why you might think that.” The words came out with a stark neutrality that Ataraxi was not expecting, “Vivian is a real puta madre. I am pretty fucking sure you don't belong here, too, but I think I’m gonna give you a chance.”

“I don't know what that is, but it doesn't sound good,” Ataraxi clucked, in response to the first part, before honing in on the second, “I thought you hated me? What changed?”

“My pendejo el mentora sprang you and your friend on me so I’ve had a lot on my mind, but I don’t hate you.” Alalia clarified, and turned to face Ataraxi directly. She placed one arm on the counter which was reflected in the mirrored bar glass beneath, and added, “You’re about fucking fifty-fifty in my book right now.”

Ataraxi gave some thought to their interactions so far and decided those odds were generous. 

“As for what changed?” Alalia mused, though still visibly frustrated about her own situation, “Craig wasn't invisible to you, and I had assumed he would be." 

Ataraxi’s brow tightened into a puzzled expression. It seemed almost too simple a thing for an opinion to turn on after being indirectly responsible for saving the person that Alalia admired most, humiliating herself in the eyes of the woman Vivian admired most, fighting the Perennials, and destroying Mr. Calhoun’s ship.

When Ataraxi did not have a response, Alalia spoke to the bartender. “Craig if you do not make yourself invisible by the time I turn around I will punch you through that damned mirrored shelf,” she ordered before returning to Ataraxi. “Look, I don't particularly like Vivian's methods but her standards are solid.”

That assessment hit Ataraxi hard. 

Alalia set her drink down, got up, and pulled a bottle out from under the bar to pour Ataraxi a round while continuing, "You wanted to make sure we were treating Craig fairly even though he means nothing to you or your people." Alalia refilled her own glass as well. "And, yeah, you have absolutely no fucking clue what that would even look like here but you tried. Fuckin’ gold star for you.”

Ataraxi placed her head on the table and bemoaned her own situation, “It's not about not knowing one or two things. I don't know anything. I'm just a Page--not even a licensed one. I don't know diplomacy, or foreign policy, or--” Ataraxi stopped short and turned her head to see Alalia judging her.  She wasn’t ready to admit this but also couldn't help herself in the face of Alalia’s judgement. “Truth is… I feel like I'm being manipulated, or at the very least constantly tested.”

Alalia shrugged and drank the liquid she had poured herself. “Yeah, that's probably because you are. Like all the fucking time. Every minute of every day.” She wiped her mouth on her sleeve, unbuttoned her collar, and fanned the uniform slightly.

“What?” Ataraxi shot up so fast she fell off the back of the stool. She fluttered wildly as she went over but it did little to break her fall.

Alalia only rotated on her stool to maintain eye contact. “When I pulled your ass out of the Brigid's Grace, I dumped the ship's logs before we left,” Alalia explained to the bird who lay on her back looking up. “Standard procedure for an SOS to verify who we're pulling out.” Alalia waived a dismissive hand and re-tasked herself. “I thought after Caith told you about our list you put together how and why you were on it.”

“I… I did not!” Ataraxi exclaimed whilst flapping furiously, “I was just on a ride along for university experience.”

“Nah, bitch,” Alalia chuckled, “Your Azule friend was the ride along.” Alalia chose the word intentionally and cast a glance around the bar as she said it. Almost as if she could not say Cerulean’s name in public. “Vivian vouched for you and Maya agreed,” Alalia clarified and slid off the stool to join the bird on the floor. “I sure as fuck don't like her methods but even I can't argue with the results.”

Ataraxi and Alalia lay on the floor for some time while Ataraxi allowed herself to silently tear up.

“Being the best is fucking hard,” Alalia said to break the silence. "Unless you're me, of course, but you weren't picked because you were the best. You weren't picked because you were a diplomat or a politician.”

“Why was I picked?” Ataraxi could barely manage to eke out the words.

“I’m told you were picked because you didn't need to be told to come, or what it means to be human,” Alalia proffered with a shrug. “Given half a fucking chance you were going to come anyway to find out on your own.”

Stress and fear washed away with the tears Ataraxi was now shedding. “I was such a…” Ataraxi paused to parrot the term, “puta madre? To Maya, I mean. I just… I wanted to feel like I had some control over my life again.”

“Yeah,” Alalia agreed, “you were fucking awful to her.” The human pulled herself up from the floor and grabbed Ataraxi's alcohol to pass down to her.

“I don't even know her,” Ataraxi confessed, “I just know of her. And, well, what I know scared me.”

Alalia raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

“Vivian loved her so much. Talked about her a lot when she was sad or lonely.” Ataraxi's beak clattered while trying to sip from the glass like a human before realizing that way of doing things was never going to work. “It was like Vivian was always living in her shadow. Or her own? The shadow of what Vivian could have been if she measured up?” Ataraxi shook her head and a rustle rippled across her sky blue feathers as she quivered at the thought. “I don't really understand human psychology and she was really good at hiding it,” Ataraxi crowed with discontent masked by confusion. “The idea that one human could do that to another…on accident even. I was terrified.”

Despite her human-levels of candor Ataraxi still held her truth in reserve. One thing secret almost even from herself. She wasn't just scared of Maya because of how Vivian was affected. She was also jealous of the inescapably long shadow she cast.

Being so candid made Ataraxi nervous. She needed a distraction from her embarrassment and used the glass she was handed for that. She sat up and put her beak directly in the glass to sip the beverage. It tasted of seeds and grains which she found to be an odd choice for the humans but a refreshing one. 

Alalia nodded, but said nothing. She didn't have to say it. Ataraxi already knew it ‘wasn't her fucking business’. Ataraxi sipped the drink again. “How do I make it up to her,” she asked into the glass.

“Do what she asked and do right by your people.” Alalia said and motioned over to Craig that he could return. “That'll mean a lot to her.”

Ataraxi felt comfortable enough to pout for the first time since she left her dorm the day this all began, “But I hate them.”

“Even better,” Alalia laughed as she and Craig exchanged bottles, and Alalia retrained a dangerous appraising eye on Ataraxi, “If you can do that then maybe you can answer some questions that’ll help me with my problem.”

“But, you said you would give me answers!” Ataraxi protested.

“I guess we’ll just have to trade,” Alalia said before turning to thank Craig for his hospitality. “Until then,” she said to Ataraxi as she got up to leave, and added an ominous “I'll be watching,” before casting a hand in the air to wave behind her as she swaggered to the exit.

It wasn’t until Alalia had left, and Ataraxi was trying to finish her food on her own, that she realized that Alalia’s presence had been affording her a buffer. Time and space to breathe between one disaster and the next. Her mind returned to how awful she had been to Maya and, without anyone to lie to about why, she found herself sinking further into despair. Of all the humans Maya was the last one she wanted to take her insecurities out on but she couldn’t stop herself.

Luckily, DURGA returned before she could give it enough thought to spiral, and informed her that her quarters were ready. In fact she was the last to settle in due to how long Alalia had kept her out. As she made her own way to the exit of the Trishul’s public house she caught the stares she had been receiving since Alalia’s departure. They made her uncomfortable. She was used to the way her own people looked at her in disgust, but she had no experience with novelty. It made her feel somehow even less like a person.

Ataraxi turned her attention instead to the task she had given herself and was anxious to start, and to her robot chaperone who might aid her. “You mean to say,” she raised the question a little louder than she had intended, to compensate for the house music that was cut off by sound proof doors sliding shut behind her, “that Cerulean and the crew of the Shadowhawk have settled in their spaces already?”

“Correct,” the warrior doll said as flatly as Ataraxi has come to expect from a living machine but without the distinctiveness of SASHA's sing-song tones.

“Can I see them?” Ataraxi's own words were rife with exhaustion, but also not an insignificant amount of determination. She wasn’t sure if she needed to know they were being treated fairly despite the circumstances, or if she just wanted an excuse for tomorrow to not have to start yet.

“One does not typically receive visitors at zero three hundred,” the machine pantomimed musing before adding, “I advise against it in your current state.”

“Tomorrow, then,” Ataraxi agreed as she let the robot escort her to her room. 

When she arrived she dropped into her queen sized human bed, and her last words for the evening before drifting off to sleep were, “I really fucked up.”

-----

The Stars in Realignment:
Chapter 08: Prefixes & Suffixes: First in, Last out | Chapter 10: Measure of a Ma'am (Part 2)