One Last Try

I've loved you since the days we would go hang out in the parks. Cuddling on the playgrounds in the cold. Riding around in your car listening to music while we had nowhere to be. Eating Chipotle after school every day while we talked about everything and nothing at the same time. It felt so good.

We both watched each other suffer heart breaks. We were always there for each other. I held you when you cried and wanted to protect you from the pain.

I will never forget the day I kissed you for the first time. You said if I loved you, I would kiss you. I kissed your forehead and you said I missed. So I kissed your lips and everything felt right.

We always ended up dating other people and drifting apart. Then we would come back together when we were single. You saved me after one of the most dangerous, abusive relationships in my life. You made me feel so important. So worthy. So loved. Until I was unable to give you what you needed sexually because I had trauma without knowing it.

We grew apart. We started fighting. We were so stressed by college classes. I tried my best to help you through it, but it was never enough. We ended up breaking up after 1.5 years together. I knew I could not stay with you because we needed to heal ourselves. I thought we could stay friends for the most part. We did. Then you and I went out together for lunch. When I was leaving, you asked me to kiss you. And I did. That was the last time I saw you.

We talked while we attended grad school. It felt like nothing had changed between us. 10 years later, I still felt loved. Until two weeks ago.

You seemed distant when I reached out. I told you I missed you. You stopped responding. Then, I got the text from you saying you have a girlfriend now. You said you cannot continue a friendship with me because it would be disrespectful and unfair to her. You wished me the best.

I spiraled. I begged you to talk to me. I kept sending texts hoping you'd change your mind. You didn't. It's been two weeks. I've contemplated ending my life. I want to disappear. Because you are essentially dead in my life and I know you are physically alive. This is killing me because I love you. I always have and I always will.

Nothing I say can get you back. Nothing I do will work. I have the slightest glimmer of hope you'll come back one day. You always did. But now, I think it's finally over.

I just want you to know I love you. I always will. I would always answer if you called or texted. I wish I could see you one last time. Wishing me the best is actually putting me at my worst. But that is not on you.

I hope you are happy. You have always deserved it. Maybe I'll see you in my dreams or whatever is waiting for us after life.

I just love you so much. I hope you always know that.