Was love worth the pain?

I go back and forth on this so much. Were those moments of pure bliss worth the months, years of pain and numbness? I usually land on yes, yes they were. You didn't just give me moments, you gave me confidence. You gave me unconditional love and a sense of belonging for the first time in my life. You made me feel seen and wanted. He taught me that its ok to cry, to not be perfect, to be myself. You showed me that I am worthy of healing. I was just too stupid to learn before it was too late. I carry so much guilt and shame over my behavior, the things I said to you can never be taken back, nor forgiven. Its crazy how after all this time, whenever I get a win, you are still the first person I want to tell, you are still my safe space. Even if its only in my head. Even if I was never yours. I want you to know I went to treatment. I want you to know you were the catalyst to make me finally want to get better. To take the pieces of myself and try to put them together, not back together, but put together in a new way. A better way. If you didn't hate me, I think you would like the person I am becoming. Comfortable with myself, comfortable with the silence, stronger than I ever was before. Not a fake strength that falls apart behind closed doors. A kind of strength that knows its ok to cry, its ok to be sad. Its ok to not be perfect or everything to everyone. You will always have a place in my heart, and a seat at my table. I just wish I could have healed before I ruined us, but maybe the ruin is what needed to happen to build myself into who I was meant to be? They say if you love something, let it go. I can't let you go, but I can scream into the void and leave you in peace. I just hope you know that I could never hate you, I will always look back on our time together with a mixture of love and sadness for what could have been. I will always think of you when I look at the night sky, and sometimes, I trick myself into believing that you are thinking of me too. If I was the type to pray, I would pray that it isn't with hatered, and that you remember who I was at the end wasn't really me. I was the most me I have ever been when you were sitting next to me. I hope you know that I lashed out because it hurt so much and I didn't know how to cope with that kind of pain. We really were deleriously happy for a moment, weren't we?