My baby is gone.

My baby boy Quinny, he passed on the 25th. It was just a dentist appointment. But they found cancer that had destroyed his jaw causing him pain we didnt know he was going through for two weeks. Thats all it took. Pulling some bad teeth created a chain reaction. The vets were shocked at how aggressively fast it was. His vet never saw anything like it in his 30 years, hah, my boy always had a flair for the dramatic and unique... Just two weeks between the 2 x rays. We didnt know till it was too late.well, with how it was, it would've been too late no matter what. And immediately after, we had to go say goodbye right after dropping him off. He was 8. He was drugged and in a dreamy state when we saw him. Theyd already drugged him for the tooth thing, so he wasnt even fully there when we all said goodbye, but, he wasnt in pain. He could hear our voices and thats enough for me. All 5 human family members could luckily be there. And, his little boy, Rubeus could be there too. He was bunned up by him even as quinn was made asleep, to know he was gone and not just wondering forever when hed return. i am alwaus home, im epileptic. So I'm able to be with the pets constantly. I spent my whole day with him following me. My whole room was his. Everyone knew that and we always joked that he was letting me stay in his room. It feels like my child died. And my mom, who actually has 3 human kids said it felt like her child died. Rubeus is grieving too. Doing things he never does. Going in the yard and just crying out. Sometimes not purring and just staring. He previously would love to look at you and purr at the sight of anyone. He is staying in quinns room. My room. And will purr in my lap a bit.  Everything reminds me of him. He was a beautiful blonde siamese. So anything his size or shade looks like him out of the corner of my eye. Different blankets, everything. They were "quinnys" . The fact that it wasnt one of his pre existing health issues like bladder crystals we'd watch for, or slight chubbiness(orange cat), makes it easier in a way that we dont have to blame ourselves.

We did everything for him, and he had a passing that most families and cats wished for. I got to sing to him "his" song. And he blinked a bit when i did. The first full day without him, the 26th, he pawed at my nose, and went to rest by my leg and warm it. Then i woke up. It was what he did when i cried. I, we, dont know what to do without him. Youngest bro is on the spectrum and isnt reacting the way we are and it hurts but i understand. And second bro blames and resents himself for feeling he couldve given more. Loved more. He's wrong but he won't see that. I don't even want to say we will get through it eventually, because it feels like saying that means hes really really gone. That he will truly be "just" a memory one day. That i wont think of him everyday. I had a "big brother". His name was Sitka. He was old when i was born, and i was the only kid of the 3 who knew him. Its been years since he passed. And i hate to admit that i dont think about him everyday. I cant accept that that will be quinn too. I cry when i recall Sitka, but still. I just hope that there is some kind of afterlife. Any. And that sitka will take care of him. All my art, jewelry, everything, is of quinn and ruby. The blonde and grey siamese, my sun and moon. His song was, you are my sunshine. I always loved dreary weather. But i want to see the sun right now. But i think that will hurt too. Ruby,(rubeus), he knows but cant distract himself like us. I have to focus on this baby. Hes almost 8 and cancer took their dad(they were from 2 litters of same parents). I wont become obsessed and afraid but it is a new massive weight to carry on my heart. We are so so lucky to have no regrets. Even during his sudden passing, there was no better way it couldve gone. He was finally not in pain when he was alive in that blue blanket that matched his eyes when we said goodbye. I said every "catchphrase" i had with him and struggled to whisper his song. And rambunctious ruby was silent and calm next to him.

I could go on forever, this has felt like i dont even know how long. I hear mom crying herself to sleep, whom he always stretched his hands up to her to ask to be held like a toddler. I always was sad i would likely never fulfill my dream of having a child. But i realized, i did. And i realized it after he was gone. I love you my little baby. My sunshine. My beautiful blonde blue eyed boy. My little soul mate. My child. Im sorry you were in so much pain baby. Ill try to see you one day and i promise to go on as long as possible. I wanted to leave for years, but now for you ill stay so i can take care of everyone, especially your baby boy ruby. Goodnight honey, sitka will take care of you. And i wont be sad when i think of you, i know you never liked it when id cry. Ill miss you so so much and i will never be the same, but ill be happy for you. Watch your grey baby boy, hes the most alone. My baby. I love you my greatest gift.