Came clean to my partner last night, trying for real this time. (7oh, MGM,powder)

Man oh man this has been a long time coming. Been using powder kratom since 2008 or so, managed to quit for a year or so then would always return one way or another. In February of this year I discovered 7OH and really took things to the extreme.

By mid summer I was using around 6-700mgd of 7, as well as a steady flow of powder and MIT. Gotta keep a balance of alkaloids flowing or the fun stops being so fun am I right? Managed to taper down in August and almost fully jumped, screwed up and here I am again.

Then I discovered the MGM and things really have made a turn for the worse. I've justified using it because it keeps my 7 usage low, and because it lasts so long I can just take it once a day. Usually in the evening is my biggest struggle. I've always dosed low in the AM and ramped up towards the end of the day.

I have an extremely stressful/high paying job. Live in a ridiculously expensive area, and have always considered myself a functional addict. Justifying the use with whatever success I've been able to accomplish. I live with a beautiful partner and we have a big animal family, keeping my addiction hidden has destroyed me mentally. Recently my partner suggested trying to have a baby, and in my stupidness decided that would be a great reason to quit using. Wrong.

My anxiety and stress just shot through the roof. Everytime my partner would take a pregnancy test, I would be freaking out on the inside knowing it ultimately would be a reason to stop using. But we all know you've gotta want this for yourself, no one else or thing can convince someone to change their lives. I have got to do this for myself.

Finally decided to come clean with my partner. She definitely was confused and didn't really understand what I've gotten myself into. But is supportive and wants to help me out. We've put the conception plans on the back burner for now as well. Today I'm going to bust out the entire stash and give her the authority over my taper regiment. First goal is to drop the MGM, then 7, then MIT, then lastly the powder. I'm feeling confident because within the past week I've managed to reduce my consumption fairly low on everything. But I know there's still a ways to go.

I've also got a doctor's appointment with my PCP today, it's unrelated to kratom addiction but I'm still considering coming clean to him as well. I'm just really scared of being put on Suboxone or methadone and just getting addicted to something else. Ideally I can use willpower and support to just quit this shit without pharmaceutical assistance.

I've written this novel for myself first and foremost, I understand we all go through this shit differently. But having some documentation and support is a step in the right direction. Reading everyone's stories has really validated my concerns and is giving me purpose and drive in the right direction. I appreciate everyone here and look forward to updating the thread as time goes on. Happy holidays everyone, we've got this!