I wanted a vagina, not whatever this is

I genuinely wanted a vagina, and I still do. I would have gotten one sooner or later.

I'm about 15 months post-op, 2 months post revision, probably gonna need another one.

Some sensation has come back to the clit but it's not nearly as good or as satisfying. the canal itself hurts like hell, can't put anything in there. I'm wearing a pad 24/7 because of non-stop yellow discharge. my sex drive is completely lost, i used to have a really high sex drive which was one of the things i loved most about myself post transition, now its gone.

I feel so lost an hopeless and I don't want to feel like that, thinking about having a penis again makes me uncomfortable, but when i think about non-op girlies i feel mostly jealous, at least back then I didn't compare myself negatively to my cis partners to the same extent. I had what I had and they had what they had and it was tolerable, but now i feel like i have it worse than them and have it worse than non-op.

I want to feel hope and I want to look forward to the future, but I just can't bring myself to do it.