Birthday Trauma getting exacerbated with boyfriend and I dont know what to do.

I dont know if I really want solutions right now, but I definitely just want to vent and maybe not feel crazy and alone right now.

so, I have a boyfriend who has and still does, go to great lengths to take care of me. I'm full time disabled from CPTSD ( I run out of workplaces from panic attacks woo!) and he took me in from another country, we don't yell we dont' scream we don't insult, and aside from confusion that arises from growing up with different mother languages and differention cultures, I've always thought we've had pretty good communication. We're also both pretty queer and traumatized and don't have family so uh. Yeah.

Anyway this is the second year in a row hes ruined my birthday by sheer number of accidental miscommunications and triggers. Onthe day of my birthday he scared me to death with two of my OCD triggers and he couldn't calm down enough himself to communicate until I was already crying, and the damage had been done. Then on the day we went out to celebrate, he let someone blow their cigarrette smoke right in my face without so much as an acknowledgement, even though I'd told him before that I was allergic to it. Finding out he'd forgotten one of the only allergies I actually have and letting a stranger do something this rude and harmful to me really made me feel fucking worthless, especially after all the times he said he loves me and that he'd protect me. It all seems like such lies.

So afterwords we worked out a makeup plan, where he said he would redo things. He had two weeks to do them. My only stipulation was that I just didn't want it to be done at the end of the month, because it would make me feel worthless. Now it's almost the end of november and guess who's doing everything last minute?

I know it's stupid and I should feel grateful just to have someone who is so hardworking and kind and even thinks of me at all but it still hurts so much. I just want to not cry or be upset on my birthday for once. I just want to die, I would rather not have one at all if every one has to hurt so much. His own birthday is coming up in January and I feel sick and angry and jealous and stupid about it because I don't want to celebrate his after he's ruined mine so much, and I know logically, this is such a childish response. But the idea of giving him a nice time when he won't (or cant?) give one to me, for the second year in a row, still feels like a betrayal to myself. I don't want to do it.

He told me he would look into therapy asap on the day he ruined it, which he did.-- Because this isn't the only time hes hurt me with excessive miscommunications, and he's hurt other people too, and we think it's some kind of combination of an anxiety disorder and potential add/adhd. It genuinely seems like he's struggling to think, which is both scary and awful, bcause he isn't trying to hurt me, but he seemingly can never succeed in not doing so.

He called, got an appointment, went to a whole other city for it, just to get told he was too far away to see her regularly but this country doesn't have telehealth appointments for therapy yet so it's a hassle. Now he's waiting on a december appointment for a psyciatrist and then he can see about finding a closer therapist, so theres no question in my mind that he isn't trying or that he doesn't want to be good. I know he doesn't want to hurt me or miscommunicate. He doesn't make excuses or ever make me feel bad intentionally. I just idk. Logically I know this is all just because we're both two traumatized people that both need therapy and healing. But in the time in between, it hurt so much and I don't know what to do.

I feel like ass for still feeling hurt/upset with him because I know he isn't trying to hurt me. But he has anyways and I dont know what to do, even though he wasn't trying to. I feel like a horrible partner for being sensitive and getting so triggered. But part of me wants better for myself and I just idk. I just want my partner to not trigger me or make me upset on my birthday. Even if all we did was sit at home together and watch a movie and eat takeout. It would feel better than him promising me things like protection and care and then letting people blow their second hand smoke in my face, or promising me good birthdays and then not thinking about what he says before he speaks, or repeating past triggers that have hurt me.

Sorry for the messy vent. Def not okay today haha. To anyone who reads this, thank you.