AITAH for neglecting my boyfriend?

Let me start this by stating this is really long and there will be moments in this where you will think I’m an idiot, and that’s fine. I already know that, my real question is AITAH.

I, 33(F) and my bf, let’s call him Bob, 32(M) have been together for close to 4 years. When we met I was fresh out of a 9 year marriage with 3 young kids. My ex-husband had cheated on me multiple times and after forgiving the first 2 times I decided not to put up with it after the 3rd. Bob was also divorced, but had been so for 7 or so years. He also has a child.

We began dating and ended up moving in together very quickly. I was infatuated. I would do anything and everything he asked of me. I obviously was not in the headspace for a relationship, but can’t change the past now. A couple of months in to our relationship he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend. I decided to give him a chance. I had given my husband a chance, so I felt it was fair to give Bob one too. The ex-girlfriend wanted to start a Poly relationship, because she couldn’t let him go. Bob views sex as an activity, not an intimate part of a relationship, so he was on board. I told him I would research it and consider it, because I loved him. I listened to the podcasts, read blogs, watched vlogs, and read books. I came to the conclusion that it was not for me. I told him this and he said that I wasn’t being open enough. We got in a huge fight and I broke up with him. This was 5-6 months into our relationship.

After a few hours I decided I loved him too much to just walk away, so I apologized for the fighting and told him I wanted to be with him, but I couldn’t do that. He said he understood and we moved forward. He never told me we were back together, but treated me as a girlfriend. We rented a new place together, took care of our kids and told each other we loved each other regularly. I was under the impression that we were good.

A month after our 1 year anniversary I found out that he had been serial cheating. Any female he could, he slept with. In our bed, in my car, you name it he was doing it. All along I had still been doing everything he asked of me. Even things I did not like, but knew he did. It was horrible. My world tore apart. I felt like such a fool. I confronted him. He exploded. He threw in my face that we weren’t actually together, so he could do as he wanted. We fought all day. It was one of the worst days of my life.

Two days later I did something I’m not proud of. I found out he had a warrant for something trivial. I called it in. He spent the weekend in jail and I got a little space. When he got out we talked through everything. He admitted how horrible he was to me and I apologized for sending him to jail. I took him back. He made promises to stay faithful and I was still so in love with him that I believed him. I wanted it to work out.

3 months later I found out he got someone pregnant. He had continued to cheat on me. He told me he had not trusted what I said about us starting fresh and trying to do this right. He figured I was biding my time to leave him so he kept sleeping around. I stupidly stuck around.

2 months after that I woke up to news that he had been in a car accident. He was riding with some girl and was ejected from the car. He woke up paralyzed. This girl had drugged him (tox screens confirmed and he later recorded her admitting it). He doesn’t remember anything that happened, but I located security footage from the place there were last seen. Video didn’t catch her drugging him, but did catch her giving him a drink and her kissing him. He regained use of his body and was sent to rehab. While there I decided to end things for good. I changed my number, I packed his things and drove it to his parents house. I moved. I cut him out. He freaked out and left rehab early.

He spent Thanksgiving alone so I invited him to Friendsgiving. We became friends over the next 2 weeks and I saw he was making serious changes. I was very hesitant to let him back in, but I did, with the boundary that if he cheated at all, even the tiniest amount, I was done. I had already given him too many chances, but again I love him.

It’s been two years since then. The first year was good. This last year I have started shutting down. I can no longer give him what he wants sexually. I’ve told him I don’t like this one particular thing and he’s told me it’s because I’m closed off to it. He wants it more and more often. To the point where it feels like he doesn’t want me, just that one thing. I don’t initiate sex often. I’m not a very sexual person, but I never withhold myself from him. We have sex daily. He doesn’t cum daily though. He makes sure I cum, but then waits for me to make him. Sometimes he stops me when I try, other times, he tells me he can only cum if we do the thing I hate. He says my lack of passion is the problem. Also he feels I only have sex with him because it’s a chore. He says I don’t prioritize him. We have fought weekly about this and him feeling neglected. He says he doesn’t trust me because I keep telling him I’ll work on it and fix it, but I don’t. He’s often upset that I put sex off until after kids are in bed, but by then I’m too tired. I have Narcolepsy so my body doesn’t regulate sleep correctly. If I get tired I fall asleep no matter what we are doing. I could be talking to you one minute and not the next. He thinks I’m using it as an excuse not to sleep with him. I’ve fallen asleep during sex and told him if that’s the case keep going or wake me up. That I am not lying about a medical condition and I’m trying to stay awake for him.

I should also mention I’m the only one working right now, I work full time, come home and make dinner. I do all the laundry, and take care of everything. Im tired. I feel alone and I can’t talk to him about it because he’s feeling neglected and cuts me off if I mention my own feelings because then I’m not letting him have his feelings.

A few months back he threatened that if I wouldn’t fuck him, he’d find someone who would. I spiraled. I became paranoid. I started noticing things like his phone password changed, my thumb print no longer worked, his computer had a password and I felt like he was hiding things. Anytime brought it up, he had excuses. Phone reset and he forget to recreate my thumb print. Computer had always had a password. Etc.

My paranoia came to a head when earlier this week I looked through his phone. He left it unlocked watching a video one night and I couldn’t resist. I hadn’t done that in two years, but I had to know.

Sure enough I found his tinder. Found where he got a motel room with someone a few nights before, found he had gone on a trip out of town that I and my kids were going to join on until he told us at the last second he should just go because the weather was bad. Instead he met up with an ex girlfriend. I also found a conversation with someone he’s been talking to for about a year.

I was numb. I woke him up and confronted him. He told me that he created the tinder to see if I was on there because he thought I was cheating. He created the conversations with other females to get my attention. He never went to the motel. He didn’t see the girl out of town. It was his last ditch effort to show me we had a problem.

I texted the girl that went to the motel. She was indeed a real person and not a fake conversation. She told me they had sex, but she didn’t know about me. Another girl knew about me, but that Bob had said we were in an open relationship and that I knew about her. The out of town girl stated that of course they hooked up, I needed to realize he was not monogamous. I reconfronted Bob and asked if he wanted to rethink his statements. He said no, so I told him what I learned. He then said that they were all lying. He didn’t sleep with anyone. He didn’t cheat on me.

Since this happened, I have learned the out of town girl did lie. He confronted her. She told him she lied bc he needed to realize we shouldn’t be together. But he has stated that he has no way to prove that the other two are lying.

I have stood my ground that this was it. I was done. He’s saying that my neglect for the last year is worse than him cheating, even though he didn’t actually cheat. We have also been fighting over what’s considered cheating.

He seems to think that any man in his position would have cheated and probably sooner. He believes that my neglect of him is worse than cheating and he’s forgiven me over and over again, but that I’m not willing to forgive him is unfair.

So while I’m an idiot who should have left a long time ago, AITAH here?