M34 , reddit is just too good to be real

I did right. I did right.

A few days ago I made one of those dumb “I’m bored, anyone wanna chat?” posts.

Got a ton of replies. One was from her.

We clicked in a way I didn’t think was possible. Moved to Telegram, started talking every single day, voice notes, random pics of our coffee or the sky or whatever stupid thing made us feel connected.

She’s sharp, kind, hilarious, thoughtful. Believe me when I say there aren't enough adjectives in any language that I can use to describe her. She is the kind of person you feel you’ve known forever after three days.

She started flirting. I’ve literally never been flirted with like that in my life. I’m a simple, awkward mid-30s guy who’s been single for years. But with her it felt easy. Safe. Real.

And then the age thing hit me like a truck. I’m approaching my mid-30s. She’s early 20s.

The gap felt immoral to me. I kept imagining her in five years looking back and regretting ever talking to me. I couldn’t live with being the older guy who took advantage of someone young and hopeful, even if nothing physical ever happened.

So yesterday I told her.

I tried to make her understand that I care about her too much to keep going, that the age difference is too big, that I refuse to risk messing up her life or being a chapter she’s ashamed of later. I told her she deserves someone who’s in the same stage of life, not an old dude like me.

I apologized to her. No one will ever be able to understand the courage I had to muster to say all that to her. To make yourself lose something like that.

This morning she woke me up angry saying she doesn’t accept my apology, that I led her on for nothing, that all those hours talking every day weren’t “just friendship” for her.

I don't know why but she then apologized, saying she was naive for thinking it could work, that I’m the kindest person she’s ever met, that she’d just delete her account and disappear because it hurts too much.

I’ve been staring at my phone all day. I keep re-reading her messages. I did the “right” thing and it feels like I just broke myself. I keep telling myself "I did right. I did right."

She hates me now, or at least she says so.

I still want to message her every second even though I know I never can again.

I’ve never felt this empty over someone I never even met in person.

Thanks for letting me get this out. I don’t need advice. I know I made the only choice I could live with. I just needed to let it out. No one will know how much it hurts. To do the right thing. I'm never gonna talk to anyone again.