The brain is something so powerful that it can crash everything withing you in a second...

My spouse (12yrs) was caught doing some "online work" in which he was chatting, flirting, sexting with women. I only saw one, he said it was 3, but that specific one was the one that paid $$$. This was exactly 1 month ago today.

2nd blow was finding that he was watching porn on his phone. Lets say that we weren't super specific, but we tried watching it together years ago, laughed at it, and dropped it. Maybe there was miscommunication about stopping. He didn't stop.

3rd blow was acknowledging that he has a porn addiction and to top it off I found downloaded content in his computer. He claimed that a while ago, he had more and he'd downloaded for moments where he was alone without signal and bored. That he didn't remember he had it. To top it off, in the "packets" he was downloading (he showed me the site) there were images of the woman I found...

Our sex life is non-existent. He has ED. Viagra, cialis, blue chew, honey and OTC purchases haven't worked or lasted. Plus, they had hefty side effects on him. We noticed the ED (years) and coincidentally, I was reading about porn addiction and these clicked: the loss of sensation, loosing erection quickly/delayed ejaculation could be related to porn. It was. He had been watching porn sonce he was 14 and for him, it is a completely normal thing that men do. That, plus his diagnosis: -depression -panic disorder -ptsd -bipolar disorder -borderline personality disorder Make the ED worse due to treatment.

We have calm moments where I feel at ease, but others are rough. I've cried, had panic attacks, thrown up, struggled sleeping, and my seizures incremented.

He has BlockerX, started PA, we do marriage therapy, I started individual therapy too. He hasn't downloaded his history. I have email access and we can check phones. I say we as I chose we traded to make it less of a slap in the face.

I've been wanting intimacy again and depraved him of his sight to get him to think less as he has an inadequacy issue. I've told him for years that it should be low stakes and to develop intimacy again. We'll, it worked. Obviously, it was temporary and I even timed it, but, it worked. I think that, plus maybe the need of connection/validation, makes me want it more.

Unfortunately, yesterday was a good day and then, a video from a content creator we liked, was diving into researching people and in a moment to validate certain claims, this creator used some responses from women to this guy she was talking about. In it, one triggered me. It was a woman woth the video focusing on her tongue.

It may sound dumb but, outside of the content he followed, including in reddit, it was soloists woth toys. Now, the packets? They were focused on women spitting on their breasts, f!nger!ng, photos with their tongues out with some collected saliva. That hit me like a slap and then the truck came in. I had no control. It just happened and I silently cried and detached from him.

He heard it all as I calmly spoke. When I said later: "I wish you hadn't done it, but you did." He said a few words along the lines of us being good today, I'm probably misinterpreting this but like, trying to ease the blame?

Its frustrating to so desperately need this connection and then having these moments. Whether its triggered, or thoughts popping into my head about it. I'm trying to love everything about me but, how can I do so? It almost feels as I'm in competition against them...