E.

It’s past 4am and I can’t sleep. I’m scared that I might wake up to you leaving me in my dreams. Each time I try to unlove you by thinking about all the times you lied to me, disrespected me, made me feel lonely and unloved, I get reminded of all the happy memories we made. You probably deleted all our messages, pictures, and videos. To you, “us” no longer exists — it hasn’t for a long time. You’ll never understand the pain and trauma you’ve caused. And don’t you dare say you’re hurting and understand my pain, because if you truly did, you’d try for us. You didn’t try harder. You didn’t give me or us another chance. You never did; you just pretended you did. Maybe it was to cook up a story for your family and friends, to make yourself look like you “did” put in the effort — I don’t know. Your dad asked me what my intentions were, but he should have asked you instead. Fucking hell, you made it seem like I was on the prowl to take advantage of you. I made it clear even before we got into a relationship what I wanted. You were a divorcee with baggage you refused to work on. You promised that you’d work on yourself. For fuck’s sake, go to therapy. “Men don’t talk about feelings.” Fuck your primitive thoughts in this day and age. This is why men are more likely to commit suicide. Fucking hell, the shit I put up with. I’ve done enough charity for all my future generations. You’re a fucking avoidant who runs away. All you did was run. This time, make sure you run and never come back. You made the decision to leave again and again on your own, like I never existed or mattered. You made the decision on your own — and this time, I’m glad you did. I deserved someone who would be proud of me & to be with me, who actually wants to kiss me without me having to beg or remind them; someone whose eyes light up when they see me, even at my ugliest; someone who will fight for me. I’m glad you decided to leave, because when life gets tough, you’re not the person I want to face adversity with. I really did dodge a fucking bomb. I will heal myself. I will learn to protect myself. My walls are up again — not with others, just with you. This time I’ll make sure they’re higher and stronger. I hope to never cross paths with you in this life or the next. I hope you live an honest life and don’t lie to any of your future “adventures,” Mr. “I-don’t-do-ONS-cause-I-don’t-wanna-get-STD-but-post-on-Reddit-for-hookups” few days after break up & while we were still living under the same roof. Just a reminder of one of your countless lies and your so-called “respect” for me & our relationship. FU.