     I am a failure, a freak, a coward, and a mistake. At this point in life I genuinely feel I was an accident because how can so many things be wrong with one person and their life. Is it as simple as really bad luck or as crazy as the universe just treating me as a joke. My life is in shambles and I don’t know if I can fix it this time.

    People always tell me I’m strong for continuing but I feel like a fraud. Since im not strong I just am to much of a coward to kill myself. 

    My plan to escape my abusive parents has completely failed. As the person I was relying on just kept insisting I go to my therapist to talk about it but the therapist was the one to tell me to talk to her. I am unsure of what to do now since this has drained basically all my hope for the future. My friend has offered to talk to her parents and see if they can help. I don’t know what to do at this point. Also I'm turning 18 in a couple days and my parents have previously told me they are immediately making me sign over medical power of attorney to them and some other documents. 

    Literally yesterday my brother yet again attacked me. Slamming me against the couch and starting to dry hump me. I felt so violated and gross. I for years have been begging my parents to get him anger management therapy. Yet they refuse. This kid doesn’t care about boundaries or repercussions because he doesn’t have any. 

      Physically my body is still degrading. My muscles get weaker no matter how much I workout. My joints popping comes as a constant reminder of the futility of my body. I feel like a failure to my younger self. I’ll never achieve any of their goals. I used to play golf. I dreamed of being a great golfer. But I had to give up because doctors said it would only make my condition worse. The last time I played I collapsed from pain. At this point it is getting hard to jump without immense pain. 

     My body… My life seems to just be cursed. No matter what I do, something always goes wrong. All I want is to be a girl, be loved, and be happy. Yet I get none of that. I’m cursed to have a male body but a female soul. Forced to sob at the very thought or image of my body. A body I didn’t choose nor wanted. 

     I wish I could be loved. Given the love I never got as a child. Loved enough to feel safe somewhere instead of the constant fear I feel. Cuddles without being molested. To finally find content in the world that seems to only hate me. Happy for once. Loved for once. :3

     Thank you so very much for reading and commenting. Everything means more than you could possibly imagine. I love you all and hope you all have a wonderful week.


I am a failure, a freak, a coward, and a mistake [TW] [Suicidal Ideation] [SA]