AITA for telling my sister we were strangers after she eloped and broke all contact with us years ago?
I am not the OOP
OOP is: u/Substantial_Buy_4881
Posted in: r/AITAH
Status: ONGOING
1 update - Medium
Original - November 23, 2025
Final Update - November 27, 2025
Original
^(November 23, 2025)
Apologies in advance if this post seems disorganized, my head is still reeling from all this. 9 years ago ( I was 18 then) my older sister eloped with her then boyfriend. Our parents (we're an immigrant family) were vehemently opposed to her relationship, I remember me being ok with it personally, it wasn't my place. She eloped with her boyfriend and cut of all contact with us.
My parents were besides themselves. I tried reaching out to her back then on different platforms but was blocked. I even reached out to her best friends and asked them if they could at least get me in touch with her, they said she didn't know where she lived now, but that she'd told them she was happy. She had also left her workplace. Eventually we all (me and my parents) came to like an unspoken agreement to pretend she was never here, and I blocked her everywhere too.
I remember being extra particular to call regularly when I was in college because I was worried about their state of mind. We're now at a place where I can't remember the last time she crossed our minds.
Yesterday my sister knocked on my apartment door. She cried and hugged me when she saw me, I hugged her back initially too, I wasn't really thinking at the time. She was just going on about how much I had changed, how much she'd missed me all these years. Eventually I kind of remembered everything, and asked her why she was here, and who had given her my address.
She said she had swore to them that she wouldnt tell. I asked her why didn't she call first since whoever gave my address probably gave my number too, she said she just wanted to see me in person. I told her we'd gotten over her, why was she here. She said her issue had only been with our parents, not me, I told her about how I'd been blocked too by her when she left.
She told me she was sorry she'd hurt me, but she had wanted a fresh start, told me I was an uncle to a nephew and a niece (they weren't there at the time, they were at their father's, they recently divorced). She acted surprised that I wouldn't know, said she'd told someone to tell our parents about them.
Maybe it was hearing about the divorce that furstrated me more, because if we were going to have gone through all this pain, at least she could've found lasting happiness, I just told her she was a stranger to me now. She said we could have lunch together she wanted to know all about what I'd been up to, I told her it was best if we continued to have no contact, she didn't act like an older sister when I needed her to, and that we were no longer family, we'd mourned her already and we were now strangers. She was tearful, she gave me her address and phone number and left.
Last night, I spoke to my girlfriend about what had happened. She said she was still my sister, that I shouldn't have just turned her away. I told her she didnt know what we'd gone through in the days after she had eloped. But I still wanted to know here AITA?
TOP/RELEVANT COMMENTS
u/Fantastic_Mechanic73
What are your parents thoughts ? How do they feel about potential reconciliation?
OOP
I haven't told them about this. I dont see the point I guess, they made their peace with her absence a while back, we all did.
u/idea_looker_upper
What is it that you want to achieve? This is crucial to answering the question.
OOP
I dont know. I really had internalized that I'd never see her again. I remember the hurt I had felt at the time. I dont want to lose my headspace and I don't want to act like everything I went through was ok, that it shouldn't have any meaning or consequences. And ofcourse I want her and her kids to be safe and happy too.
u/Ellf13
Did she even apologise? Or did she do the classic, it's such a long time ago you should be over it by now move? If there's no sincerity, there's no trust that she won't ghost you again. She owes you a full and frank conversation about what happened, her actions, her motivations and why she continued to block you. Without that you really have nothing to work with. Good luck.
OOP
She did apologize, she said she was sorry that she had cut me off, that she never meant for us to lose touch, her beef was with our parents only. I brought up that she blocked me everywhere, and she was just sobbing and apologizing. I also remember me begging her best friends for info and them saying they had no idea, which Ive always suspected was them lying because she asked them to.
u/Dreamy_Literature101
NTA. She broke all contact with you for nearly a decade. She treated you as if you were disposable. There is no relationship to salvage. She doesn’t get to unilaterally decide to pick you up again just because it works for her.
I’m guessing she’s decided now’s a good time because she’s getting divorced and in essence needs something (time, attention, connection) from you. Ask yourself, if she weren’t getting divorced, would she have reached out?
You need to figure out who shared your address with her.
OOP
I hadnt thought of this and I've been feeling sick thinking this might be true since I read this. That she wouldn't have ever reached out if she hadnt gotten divorced. Would've been fine without ever seeing me again. Although she didn't ask for anything material during our interaction I guess, she wanted lunch, she thought after 9 years of almost forgetting I had a sister, id be ok with lunch.
u/Evening_Delay_1856
OP, I wonder if her bf turned husband made her block you all? Could it be that getting away from him might be why she was able to reach out?
OOP
I dont know. Back then she would vouch for him a lot in front of our parents who really thought he was bad news, so idk, she seemed like it was all of her own volition.
u/cman_yall (downvoted)
Keep in mind that she might have cut you off because she was scared you would tell your parents anything that she told you.
OOP
No. We had covered for each other so often when I was young. She had covered for me too. There was stuff that I could only tell her. That could not have been a real fear. I'd even told her friends that I wouldn't tell our parents but at least ask her to meet up with me. I'm sorry if I sound pointed but I haven't had to remember all the bs I went through in the aftermath of her elopement in a while and its just crazy how she just ditched us all. I don't think I can see her, I'd been thinking about it, but meeting her just means everything she put us through was fine, I remember how I felt at that time, and I can't let it go.
u/Healthy_Till6728
NTA but that's a tough situation to be in
Just out of curiosity, why didnt the family accept her then bf? Cultural? Religious? Age?
OOP
They just didn't think he would make a good partner I think, she'd be vouching for him, and they (particularly my mom) would be telling her that essentially he's only interested in sex to put it crudely. There may have been other subconscious reasons possibly idk, but at least when they talked about it they would only bring up that he was bad news and that they were looking out for her.
Update - 4 days later
^(November 27, 2025)
Update : AITA for telling my sister we were strangers after she broke all contact with us
Hi. Thanks a lot to everyone for the support in my post. And to those who reached out for support. I'd been emotionally drained almost after meeting my sister. Like I said I had made my peace, after a lot of hurt and futile hope, that I would never see her again.
She had my number, and I hadn't blocked the new number of hers. I'd thought about it, and received advice to, but I just didn't, it slipped from my mind. She asked me on Tuesday how I was doing, and asked if we could meet on Wednesday, she really wanted me to meet her kids. I was really conflicted, I didn't want to oblige her, but I decided to say yes to at least meet them.
I went to her apartment yesterday and met my niece and nephew. My niece had recently turned 9 and my nephew is 6. They're great kids and I really enjoyed seeing them. I remember feeling a certain way when my sister was introducing me and she told him, that the way he's my niece's younger brother, similarly I'm her younger brother. We talked a bit, and started talking about stories from us growing up.
I hadn’t and still haven't said everything's ok between us, but our stories and conversation went smoothly. I learned that after she eloped and got married she had moved in with her husband into his place in a town a few hours away from us. That around 2019 they had had moved to the city we were currently in (according to her she didn't know all this time that I later moved here for work after college too). I told her about what I'd been up to all these years, my college, my job, my girlfriend etc.
After that, the kids were in their room and my sister brought up us all doing something again over the weekend. I told her we werent ok, she can't expect me to forget everything. She said she was sorry that her moving out had nothing to do with me, that she missed me. I was angry at the fact that she had no idea the pain I'd gone through both personally and then having to be the crutch for my parents pain.
I told her I didn't believe her that she would've been perfectly fine with never seeing me again if she hadnt gotten divorced, that I could've been dead and she probably wouldnt have broken a sweat upon learning it since she was so blissed out from her domestic life. I know it was ugly, I've never said anything like this but in that moment I just wanted her to feel some kind of hurt of the kind she'd given me.
She broke down and said I can hate her if I want but to just not hate her forever, there has to be a limit. I regretted saying what I said when I saw her crying so I just sat next to her and asked about why they'd divorced.
She told me that their life had been going alright the first few years. She said she'd even sent word through a mutual when the kids were born (which either the mutual messed up or my sister did because we never heard about it). She said when covid happened her marriage became hell for her, that it had uncovered a side of her ex she never knew.
He became abusive, had disdain for their son, revealed he used to record every single conversation of theirs, had convinced her she was crazy and a bad wife and mother. That she stuck with him because of the kids until she had enough, that a very good neighbor of theirs whom she had become friends with gave her a lot of support and even helped line her up with a job. During all this she even blamed our parents for her sticking with the marriage for so long and for not reaching out.
I told her they had literally pleaded with her not to do this, I was there, I was 18 not 8. She said they told her she was dead to them if she ran off with him and so she blamed them for her not being able to leave him. I told her that was insane logic and she just didnt want to talk about them and asked me not to tell them about her. I said yeah her relationship with them is her own.
I also asked her who had given her my address, she begged me not to ask her that, that they hadnt given it easily she'd had to swear secrecy, and cry and convince them that I'd want to see my older sister, so I dropped it.
We had tea and snacks after that she asked me again if I wanted to do anything this weekend since she has the kids or we could do somethimg the weekend after just the two of us, I said I don't know. She was ok with that answer. She was tearful again when I was leaving, we hugged and I hugged the kids goodbye too.
My mind has been a mess since then. I lashed out and everything, but also regret what I said, but then I also try to remember how I had felt back then and then get angry again. It feels so weird knowing that shes now 20 minutes away from me and we can visit whenever. I told my girlfriend about all this, she said she supports me no matter what but in her opinion to consider the weekend plan with a cool mind.
This got long, I apologize but Ive been trying to collect my own thoughts on this and writing this just seemed to help. Thanks for the help.
TOP/RELEVANT COMMENTS
u/Famous_Rooster271
I'm glad you and your sister talked? I'm late to the party, but I was in a similar boat recently.... and my sister is now married to a woman. So, good luck OP!
That's a great moment to... just be atleast hear out one another? on what's happened, one another's view that doesn't mean you're forced to do anything, but atleast you have the ability to decide if this is something you could pursue.
My sister came from a DV relationship, and so did I... the fact that we're both still alive and able to talk about our shitty parents is a huge support beam in my system. She is still recovering, and so am I. But we have one another, and she had her awesome wife!
Just, take some time off the internet and enjoy a day where you relax, go out for a nice coffee and lunch, maybe to the park, all on your own and just think. Allow yourself to cry in your car, talk to yourself, a you day with selfcare, or maybe a day in cuddled up warm pillows, creating/drawing, but I really recommend getting out of the house off the internet. Dopamine media detox for a day basically, and let yourself feel, and think.
OOP
Im going to try and clear my mind thanks. I've been thinking this again and again that I should do what makes me happy, and maybe that is being able to reconnect with her and her kids and then I think that's letting her off too easy, I was in pain back then trying to reach out, what about that. Its been emotionally taxing. Your advice about taking some tine off is good.
u/Beth21286
Don't let her push you into immediately pretending everything is fine and going back to how things were.
She still isn't taking responsibility for the harm she did, you didn't mention she ever apologised for ghosting you. She's blaming your parents for her choices. She needs to admit she did this to herself and to you or that hurt and resentment is never going away.
If she won't tell you who gave her your address she has no interest in what you want, only what she wants and she will manipulate you (and them) again and again to get what she wants.
u/UncleNedisDead (Gold awarded comment)
Honestly, why block you at all if she didn’t feel you didn’t do anything wrong?
She doesn’t really seem to recognize the hurt she dealt you, nor is she really willing to acknowledge how much she screwed up and continues to blame your parents for everything. Frankly, it’s immature of her on all fronts.
Also, she keeps pressing you to meet up with her this weekend, which shows she doesn’t respect your need for space or time. She’s just going to keep on boundary stomping into your live with the surface level of apologies and assume it should be all good.
Also introducing the kids right away is a manipulation tactic so you can’t be as honest and frank as you would have been if they weren’t around.
She definitely seems to be me, me, me. I don’t really seem how reconnecting with her now would really benefit your life. She is pretty much a stranger.
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
Posted Nov 28, 2025, 5:46 PM UTC