I’m tired of making “Baby’s First” ornaments for everyone but us.

TW: Mention of other people’s living children. Probably just deep in my feels as I’m home with my dad on hospice care, likely with a few months left. My husband is here with me, we’ve had 3 losses in the last year and a half, normal work up with a RE. We’re not even thinking about trying at this time because we live internationally and don’t want to be abroad if I lose yet another baby.

I had made a “First Christmas” cross stitch ornament for my friend’s first baby before we even started trying, back in 2023. She had #2 this year, due when my first should have been due. She messaged the other day saying she had put the ornament I made on the tree for her first. I’m sure it wasn’t a push, but it felt like a reminder that I hadn’t made one for her second child.

We also had friends have their first baby in September, a month after my 2nd loss would have been due. I realized I hadn’t even committed to learning his name. It’s been too much, too hard of a reminder.

So, here I am, planning out their little “_____’s First Christmas” cross stitch ornaments, wondering when it’ll be my turn. If my turn will ever come. Scared to try again and lose again if I’m already grieving the death of a parent.

I am so tired. Sorry for the vent.