To the light I thought I found in the darkness.

I want to start this by saying I cared about you and loved you deeply. You were the first woman since my ex wife that I felt anything like this for. I think that's why I stayed for so long. I think that's why I was so patient for so long. I was and have been ready to be the man in your life. I know who I am. Where I'm at. I know I don't have much to offer. Which is why I didn't pursue you initially even though I wanted to. I don't have the means to provide for you as I am now. I knew that off rip. But then you told me you were attracted to me. We kissed and I thought "wow, this is nice. This person knows I'm not where I need to be and still wants something with me". We started talking, seeing each other. Making out. Sneaking kisses at work. It was a nice feeling, knowing someone seemingly wanted me for me. When you told me you weren't ready for a relationship, I understood and continued on our trajectory. I didn't expect much but we got closer and closer. You asked me to be your boyfriend one night and I thought, "the universe is really working in my favor". I felt that I had known you forever. I wanted to know you, wanted to understand you, wanted you to understand me. I wanted to grow with you.

But it seems that you and I have very different definitions of what it means to be a significant other. A partner. We understand love in a different way. And I'm at fault here; I should know that you can't change how a person thinks about things. I feel like that's what I was doing. Trying to get you to feel and think about things the way I do. That was wrong. I see that. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I mean a lot. The ones in our relationship notwithstanding. But I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm constantly waiting for someone to catch up. Yeah, there are times when I get very explosive. I know I have my faults. The arguments are the worst. And the fucked up part about all of this is that I never mean for them to be arguments. I mean for them to be just an expression of feelings but that never seems to be the focus when I bring up issues to you. It becomes frustrating to me because I feel like, in those times, a partner or significant other would be able to hear that and make the appropriate steps to makes things okay. Provide reassurance. But with you it's this weird competition between who's right and who's wrong and God forbid if you're ever wrong.

I'm sure there's a man out there who will be the one that you try to fix things for. Evidently that isn't me. And it makes me sad as hell cuz fuck I wanted you to be the one for me so bad. But time and time again, you show me that I'm not as important to you as you are to me and I think it's about time that I stop listening to your words instead of what you show me with your actions.

You know, through out my entire marriage, aside from maybe the last 2 years, we fostered an environment in which we could express ourselves. Safely. To be understood. We were genuine friends. There wasn't a time in which we had extended amounts of silence between us because we were constantly conversing and joking. It wasn't a hard thing to communicate. Yeah, in the end, it didn't work out. But if I'm being honest, she at least tried to hear me, to see me, to invest in who I was as a person, as I did for her. I know you hate to hear that, but this person who let me go still tried to understand who I was. It was reciprocity until it wasn't. I think that's what I'm looking for in a person.

Reciprocity. I want to know I'm not alone in how I feel and go about things.

And, sadly, disappointingly, I don't feel that with you. Which is why I've broken up with you so many times. Because I feel energy and I know when it's not the same. I may not believe in the same things as you or my brother but I can feel shifts in energy. I know when that energy is reciprocal. And it just never felt that way with you. Something always felt off but I ignored it because I wanted to trust you at your words. It wasn't naivety. It was me actively trying to just take you at your word. I can't do that anymore.

This is my breaking point. I've been there for you in a lot of ways. And if you search your heart through all the defensiveness that I'm sure is coming, you'd realize that. I feel I was very understanding towards you, very helpful with you, I showed you I could and would be there to help, assist, and care for you in general. All I asked is that you kept it real with me. To be real, this hurts so much. Because the aforementioned things were coming from a real, genuine place for me.

Now, in the midst of this break up, because let's call it what it actually is, you're showing me the disparity between how I feel for you vs how you feel for me. Which is why it's so wild to hear you complain about that in terms of you and your sister. The same issue you have with your sister is almost identical to the issue that I have with you.

Reciprocity.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I know you're not going to read any of this and feel any fault. If anything, you'll flip this around and hyperfixate on the arguments, which again, were never ever my intent. I guess I'm just saying I wish things were different. I wish things went differently. But I think I just fantasized a whole scenario in which you and I rode off happily into some goofy ass sunset. "Happily ever after" type shit. But that was a lie I told myself to keep working at a relationship that isn't working. This time away is showing me that, in spades. I'm done chasing you. I'm done chasing someone who doesn't reciprocate my feelings. And I'm sorry that you are that person because I really wish you weren't. I really had hoped this would be different.

I still love you and it makes sad to not be able to work through this with you. So goodbye.