F my life!

I’m so bloody lonely! I’ve gotten to the point that seeing my disgusting weed addict husband’s face makes me wanna bang my head to the wall till I loose my memory of being married to such a looser. I’ve been sexless for the past year cuz quote “ he doesn’t wanna have anything to do with a fat, ugly and old woman”. I’m 36, 10 months postpartum and he hates if I put make up on cuz men will look at me because I look like a whore. He is so fucking verbally abusive every bloody chance he gets. I’m just mustering my finances to be able to divorce this narc… But why do I feel so bloody angry that he goes and fucks around? That I know myself and I know I’m not the way he portrays me, why do I still wanna have sex with him? Well… not sure with him… I guess someone who can actually have sex…with him… is few min anyway… Am I jealous that he lives his life like he is single while I’m stuck at home with a baby( which I adore) but I’m so unfulfilled?!? In anyway possible not only sexually… F my life really…