No contact no choice

My ex put me in a position that forced me to go no contact with him. After our initial breakup (dated 5 years), he wanted to work on things. I gave it a shot and his behavior was so hot and cold and confusing (one week he was all in on rebuilding, the next he was having second thoughts). He said things like “we should work on things but we shouldn’t depend it will work out.” I felt backed into a corner and had no other choice but to tell him not to contact me. This isn’t what I wanted as I was fully committed to working on things and did not want to fully break up. His actions and words were showing he was not. I needed to remove myself from the absolute limbo hell he had me in. He was indecisive and half committed.

Weeks earlier we’d agreed we were working on things, and he called me one day to tell me we need to have a discussion about “IF we SHOULD be working on things.” I asked when we could have this discussion and he said he was busy that weekend doing his hobby. This is when I told him to stop contacting me and I wish I had a moment to pause and think but it was an emotionally charged conversation where he flip flopped several times.

I’m now stuck feeling guilty and like I ruined my chances of him ever contacting me or working things out. I know logically I should not want him to reach out and there was no shot of it working, (at least right now) but I’m completely obsessing and consumed over the fantasy of getting back together. I’m deeply regretting saying that.

Totally blaming myself for making the call to do no contact and having a hard time moving on with how things ended in such a messy, unresolved way. I know no contact was the only choice but can’t shake the feeling it’s my fault that I did the wrong thing. No contact has been destroying me. I’m too afraid to reach out because I don’t want to get hurt again.

I know the person asking for no contact is usually the bad guy on this sub it seems, but I felt I had to protect my wellbeing and he wasn’t being clear about what he wanted.

Anyone else go through this?