unrequited love that burns

You know I’ve never been really good at expressing my mind during a verbal conversation. At least nothing as eloquently put in words spoken that is.If I did maybe id tell you “Hey X I think you’re totally hot btw we did some crazy stuff in my dreams.” Oh right.. Im the walking definition of antisocial and awkward. Poster child some may say. Which is why my refuge is writing. It gives me this sense of safety, I’m able to write it down and delete it until it sounds vivid and clear. When words just bounce off your tongue and your brain can’t help but create a clear image. Whether it’s my desires, sadness, anger, frustration, happiness or hopelessness. Words that captivate those feelings and capsulate a still picture in time. Even dreams can become so vivid and real that they are engraved in your memories. While most people love the day, my favorite time is night. When the world seems to stand still and the moonlight shines a different light to highlight the beauty hidden. 

In my mind you’ve been mine in more ways than you can even begin to imagine. In my dreams we explore every part of one another; with tenderness and uncontrollable passion. We don’t really think but rather allow our carnal instincts to take over. Ravenous and hungry, with an insatiable appetite and in my imagination we don’t get tired. Our nights are endless, and filled with desire, but most of all love. Not the average lovemaking session you get when you watch a romcom movies or sappy like a bad love song that just makes your teeth clench. Im talking about the type of love that covers every fiber of your being. The type to give you courage when you’d otherwise feel scared, the type that elevates your humor and enhances your passions for life. Love that isn’t just about us but love that opens others to it. Those dreams with this feeling is what I chase at night.

 But we aren’t in my dreams and we aren’t in my imagination. All those endless possibilities and dreams end the minute I’m awake and faced with the truth of reality. Married, kinda I think.Too complicated and being a rebound isn’t a quality I possess unfortunately. Typical me, liking the “unavailable” great guy…  The version of you that I do get is just as pure, always there trying to lift me up. Offering hope when I feel mine wavering. Showing me kindness when it seems life refuses to yield some. Your delicate way of speaking to me even when you’re frustrated with me.Believe me I know that I’m headstrong and stubborn but I’m rational, which allows me to admit my wrongs when I see/hear facts.. Not that it’s an excuse. Want to talk about sexy??? Just the way you learned to maneuver around my emotions gives me this sense of peace. Although I’m sure this is just who you are, its also the way you are with everyone, its insanely sexy and god its hot. I see you for who you are not just your past or your trauma/ I see the pain you’re beholden to. The sorrow you hold behind your laugh or the anguish you carry in your soul. I see the love you have in abundance that you hoard deeply to prevent being hurt. I hear the beauty in your dreams and aspirations. I see your inner child wanting the happy ending you grew up chasing. Through it all, I see a man that hasn’t allowed the ugliness of this world steal his light. Seeing your strength enshrines your personality. Rugged, edgy, fierce and goofy but above all loyal and kind. God, your devotion to those you love is engulfing and raw. 

Through all this though I also see someone that’s not yet healed, someone that needs things I myself can’t provide. The peace you seek isn’t something I can offer currently, it’s not something I’ve been able to capture myself. It’s elusive, and seems to slip my grasp every time it’s within my fingertips.  Like the dreams I constantly chase… a shadow that disappears the closer I am. For what is life if not chasing the very thing that makes us human. Friendship. Love.Compassion.

the stuff you’d say and the anger you’d probably have. “How can you assume what I want, or what I’ll do.” “Come on, you know me better than that and you know damn well I was honest from the start.” Yeah yeah I know… We just have two different ways of viewing things and maybe that’s why we’re drawn to each other. 

Or maybe you like crazy lol maybe you are crazy for inviting crazy in your life. You’re that person I won’t speak about out loud without smiling or laughing over something I remember. Because in these moments I’m really just too soft for all of it. Life has been harsh and filled with moments that left scars, and I really  just thought its because I’m used to being alone and independent. Ive always managed to do what needed to be done, no matter how hard or even in those times I was tired and wanted to give up. Only to realize I’m still that girl, who always looked for someone to lean on. Someone to love me unconditionally and unapologetically. With a burning passion and desire. Exactly the way I imagined US. That’s just it isn’t it? That’s the only version of you I’ll ever touch, the only version my lips will ever taste. The only fleeting sensation on my skin I’ll desperately chase. I mean what girl doesn’t fantasize about the person they LiKe… sigh. Yeah… ok Love.. I think if I ever said all of this to you, your brain would explode. Either you’d be very flattered or you’d tell me all the red flags you see LOL. Yeah I said it, but you can’t help yourself any more than I can help myself when I run out of words to say. I suppose that’s a similarity we have huh? The rough personality we have is just a hard shell that’s been hardened over time. It’s been tested time and time again, and although cracks seemed to form, the shell remains impenetrable. So how do we expect those that come near us to break through a hardened shell even we can’t take off. We encapsulated pain and allowed it to enshrine us in the rage to mask the sorrow buried deep inside. Caring for others the way we should’ve been cared for, shielding those we love because we understand the trauma of having to live it yourself. So wouldn’t you say that, in a way we are guardians? In a way we are damned for all eternity to save others, but never ourselves. Maybe that’s what we represent to one another. A reflection of struggle, pain and sacrifice.  No matter where we end up, if this fantasy of mine ever gets fulfilled or if you fade in the cool autumn breeze. Loving you even in those brief moments gave me life, it gave me purpose and deep down I know that nobody can ever take away. The joyous flutter of my heart skipping a beat as if on cue with yours. The way your eyes would tell me unspoken stories and my heart was more than happy to house them.