Deceitfully inside my skin

some of the letters i read repulse me.

i struggle with staring at the mirror of those rotting emotions. naturally if they are not tended to or cared for, they can rot. i am trying to clean it up, those decaying feelings, i dont want to become that person. twisting the pain, squeezing it, until it comforts me.

its not how i want to reflect on other people. but honestly i dont know what to do with the betrayal wound. i dont want to speak about other people that way but im hurting. i dont want to remember you that way. i dont want to remember myself this way. degrading it in hindsight to comfort myself. i understand why people do it, why i do it, why ive done it. cause also some people just fucking suck. some people are just fucking complicated. some people dont know what the fuck theyre doing. some people are cruel and shitty. i mean chomos exist you know, i always remind myself ya there is true evil. i get lost in trying to figure out whos just really lost or misguided and whos a full blown fucking asshole.

what i needed was honesty, transparency, truth. sometimes things happen to me i dont deserve.

what i wanted? to continue our work together. explore more and spend quality time together. i knew the connection had been severed on your side before it was explicit. i thought it was because i had done something wrong. but what i found out ripped my heart out and i still dont really know the truth. i saw the red flags. do i think everyone should write off every lost or ended connection as
"it would have never worked". no, fuck no. i think things take actual hard work, love is worth that. it didnt work because the way we both handled it and/or that you chose to end it. to write things off in so many ways that doesnt take ownership to me. what i wanted? was the person that was in front of me. it ended. there were lies, there was mistreatment and behavior that hurt me. but writing it off as too complicated, better for both of us, was never going to work, what needed to happen. i speak for myself. on my side, no. i wanted you in my life. i saw how complicated it was but with the information i had at the time? i chose to explore that. i believed it was possible. i was willing to work through the circumstances. i didn't need it to be perfect or easy or simple. people can write off whatever they want with whatever they need. the reality is you rejected me. how it was done was painful for me. i dont know much more beyond that. i dont know what is true for you. i can assign something that for a brief moment makes me feel vindicated for being the brunt of that betrayal. sure.

things can be changed. people choose not to change them because they dont want to. people choose to wrap themselves in short quips to process pain. some people just straight up dont have the tools to navigate relationships and aren't aware of that and project to not face that truth. some people don't know how to change them.

i wonder now what i need or what im searching to feel resolved or closure. i am ruminating. i am courting delusion, fantasy, anger and briefly in my heart i greet that version of myself that adored you. the version of myself that wants to hold my feet to the fire and push myself to face the pain. not in a way that comforts me. not because i deserve the pain but because i dont want to lose that version of myself. i wanted so much for us. whether it was the end. whether you didnt want it. that is normal. hard to cope with still? sure. but this shit? a true test of my character. to come out on the other side with empathy, compassion, integrity, self esteem? i am an emotional person, sensitive. i have grown to like that. i want my love to feel good and being sensitive to others is helpful in making that a true possibility.

when i found out, it tore a hole in my heart. i want to hate you but it is of detriment to myself at this point. not knowing the full truth created a lot of anguish for me. but the thing that would really hurt me is for someone to write the narrative that this was good for me, what i wanted, what was best for me. no lol. and i decide for myself those things. blankets off no more comfort. i was hurt by someone close to me. betrayed by someone close to me. i felt disrespected, not accepted, not wanted, not cared for, discarded. repair was not chosen. repair does not always mean staying in each others lives, it can mean leaving with integrity. silence is not what i wanted.

people make choices. and i want to accept them, no matter how messy, damaging, or heartbreaking they are. i choose for myself. i cant control what other people do. i cant be expected to be more mature in every fucking situation, i won't be held to unfair standards. i tried. it wasnt what you wanted. you chose someone else. you chose to say hurtful things about me and to me to cover that up. you likely would have found what you were looking for at some point to reject me. better sooner than later, but here i am 8 months later i am still trying to cope with the betrayal. it has been hard. i still struggle with it. i hope you never mentally write my "choices" to comfort yourself. every day i mourn a piece of what was, what worked, what could have been, the lies, the truth, and the space i saved for you beside me.

i am bummed about the way things ended and the state of that. i am sad about losing someone and something that were important. and as time passes and things change i just try to remember sometimes things happen to me i dont deserve.

xxx,

goose