I, quite literally, have lost myself….

I have been with my partner for 15 years. I have been told I have had mental issues most of my life. Diagnosed BiPolar at 12, Re-diagnosed at 19 as Schizotypal with borderline tendencies, at 27, remove the schizotypal and keep the Borderline and add CPTSD. Two years ago, (I am 45 now) it was found that my problems did not lie in psychiatric matters, that my problem was a neurodevelopment problem as I was diagnosed with ASD with adhd leaning.

Granted, I’ve been difficult all my life. Yet, I do not act like what most consider “autistic.” It’s a spectrum, after all.

Anyway…needless to say relationships have really been hard for me. I’ve been in long term relationships before this one, most lasted less than 4-6 months. 2 lasting about a year. My family says he is the only one that could stand me for this long. It’s kind of true.

My partner has stayed by my side, swallowed some grief, stood beside my MS diagnosis, and I am so grateful and thankful for that.

Six years ago, his mother found out she had metastatic breast cancer and within a year she died, five months after she passed, his father died of lung cancer, (not married, divorced), then, three months after his father, his brother, who lived with him, died of complications of a seizure while he was at work, and came home to find him. Within 9 months he lost his entire immediate family. I was there for him until he wasn’t. I had to walk away when I noticed there was no one behind his eyes. I did it for my daughter and myself. I wasn’t going to stand there and let heroin take another person I loved.

We were apart for about a year. He got sober, and we got back together. This was around the time of Covid, which was also around the time my health started deteriorating. At first, he was in denial. My vision would go out and he would say I was crazy, I would feel extremely weird sensations and I would be called delusional. My doctor referred me to a neurologist and lo and behold, they found lesions on my ocular nerve, diagnosed me with demyelination and I have Primary Progressive MS. He ended up apologizing to me, but it still left scars.

In this time, he has been a this urgent, colossal deep dive into philosophy, spirituality, and religion. At first, I was all for it, learning and listening, even lending a hand from remembering some philosophy classes I took in college. Then, he got transfixed on “The Big Question.” He became obsessed with the thought of there has to be more to life than monotony. He has to have a higher purpose. There has to be a reason we can’t just be born to die.

And I saw his demeanor change from a laid back, go with the flow, to this dissatisfied, judgemental, negative shell. Then, his best friend died.

I have tried all I can to be there for him as best as I am able. He thinks he is cursed because everyone close to him but me has died, and I am not in the best of health. Everything is negative with him, he talks about how worthless he is, how meaningless his life has been. He talks about killing hisself for me and our daughters sake because at least it would leave us with insurance money.

I feel ashamed, because he has been there for me, but his mental state is overwhelming me to the point of a.) shutting down b.) depression has set in with me because I feel helpless for not knowing what to do.

I have told him over and over that he needs to see a professional. I do not hold the wisdom of a psychiatrist that is able to give him the coping skills he needs.

Am I being selfish? I honestly do not know. Is there something wrong with me because I am collapsing right along with him? It’s drowning me.

tl;dr Partner and I have been together for 15 years. He has stuck by me through a lot, as I have him, but has had a personality change into a cynical, judgemental, negative shell and it’s affecting my mental health as well. Am I selfish because I’m drowning?