I hate being indecisive

This is have vent half advice, I have been questioning if I was trans since about 13 the dates are fuzzy, a year or 2 later I moved schools to a more accepting place where I stated my prefer pronouns (she/her) because it felt right, for the next 3 year I would be internally fighting with myself about if I'm MTF or not and just go in endless loops. from 15-16 I was really really depressed about this because I couldn't figure shit out and I kept having waves of dysphoria for like a month and then it would be gone for 3 months and it was not fun. I've gotten a lot better but I haven't been introdpecting since I was 16, because I have been too busy with school and because I have been scared of spiralling again.

I now do not have school to worry about and I have free time on my hands but I'm going to be getting a job soon and I just can't do this again, the spirals of doubt and fake feeling certainty. One of the main things that tripped me up bad last time was tieing my identity to gender identity, which is silly, I am myself and what gender I am will never affect that, I'm not going to follow gender norms I'll do what the fuck I like, whoever the fuck I like and where whatever the fuck I like.

I am now able to pursue GAC without anyone's permission but I keep thinking about hormones specifically, I want them, I want to have breasts and a more "femme" frame, I want the fucking stubble on my face to thin out, I want laser hair removal, I don't wanna change my face I know many women with 'masc' faces and I dont want surgery to fix that dysphoria, top surgery really depends on the results of e and bottom surgery is a whole can of worms, in that situation I'm worried about well the fact that I hesitate with taking e which is one of the more reversible procedures, I can't exactly store the parts that the surgeons remove in formaldehyde incase I wanna reverse bottem surgery. E is a constant issue because I've had times where I could have diy'ed it but I didn't because something didn't feel right, like I was being hasty or making a mistake or something, I want the effects of e but I have a roadblock when it comes to acting on the want.

Like what do I do, I have been stuck in limbo for 5 years and I want out, I want to have true knowledge of myself and not make a choice I'll regret, it doesn't help that fucking antitrans panic has complicated this issue tenfold, yes terfs, being transphobic makes it hard for any questioning people to discover themselves even for the people who come to the conclusion that they are CIS.