Pills, Pills, Pills

I want to die!!! I want to die so bad. My life will never get better. I’ve wasted all my potential (what little potential there was, anyway) and nothing will come of my life. Finishing school seems impossible, no friends, no relationship… ever. Can’t find new hobbies to enjoy and my old ones no longer make me feel anything. Even basic hygiene is a struggle. The only reasons I’m still alive are my cat and the fact that I’m too scared to commit to death. I don’t want to die painfully or fail and end up disabled. If I could press a button to stop existing, I would, because my existence is just pain.

I keep looking up different pills and the side effects ODing on them has. A lot of them are nasty ways to go— seizures, heart attacks, organ failure. Others just kill you slowly and agonizingly. Melatonin just makes you sleep for a day. Drinking bleach won’t kill me, just destroy my throat and ability to speak and eat. I don’t want to die but life is just too painful to bear.

Everyone tells me it’ll get better and I just have to work towards it. Well I can’t!!! I can’t build a future because I don’t have one!! And I can’t even get out of bed half the time, so what’s the point???? I hate life. I wish I were dead. People may mourn me, but they’ll be able to move on. Is it selfish of me to wish that people wouldn’t? Maybe. I don’t know. I wish I was important enough to someone that they would miss me that much. My existence is just pain.