Everything sucks and I feel unloved (Some of my story I guess)

This was originally a throwaway account in case you’re wondering why I have no posts, but I might as well use it

Basically I can’t remember most of my trauma. I know from my mom that my father was abusive to her and my brother, that if anything went wrong I’d be yelled at by him, and that I used to cry if I spilled anything. I wouldn’t stop.

Later on, my brother became abusive. Not physical for the most part (though there were two times when I was younger that he threw me into a couch and a cast iron radiator. I don’t remember much of why though, just the aftermath) and was only recently moved out. He legally can no talk to me without my permission.

Ever since I was 11, I‘ve been groomed online, mostly via Omegle which is now down. The lack of positive older male figures in my life had caused me to seek one out, no matter in what way.

The hardest part is that sometimes I genuinely want it to happen again, because back then I felt useful and understood, even now at 17.

Sure, it was my fault for seeking it out, but it left a toll on me. Now I’ve been diagnosed with C-PTSD and have multiple suicide attempts under my belt that no one in my life knows about.

I just want to feel loved again, even though I hate myself and my body.