Three fantasies

Throwaway for hopefully obvious reasons.

The first fantasy I had in November was in the first couple of days. That's pretty normal, I try not to jack off to porn so I tend to get new fantasies every couple of days. I worry that it has some of the same effects as porn though, because they can get pretty fucked up sometimes, and I've fantasized about basically everything. No amount of explaining is going to make it normal so I'll just say it. In this one, I get turned into Sabrina Carpenter, and I let all of my friends dip their hands in paint and put them somewhere on my naked body one after another. It kind of evolved into a similar one where I'm in a box with an opening where my ass is, so they all take turns cupping my ass.

Now, I don't recommend this, but this was before I knew this community even existed, so I wasn't taking in any advice, and to be fair, it did work. I was having a really hard time getting my mind off of it, so I basically looked up all of the Sabrina Carpenter porn on the internet. Everything on rule34, everything on Reddit. I looked until I recognized every image I saw. It didn't take that long, to be honest. I filtered out everything that wasn't realistic. The fact that hentai exists of real people is honestly revolting, I really only looked for morbid curiosity, but I got sucked in. This was on the 6th, around when I failed last time I tried, and it was the most down bad I got all month.

The thing is, once I had seen all of it, I got over it. It didn't bother me. This happens sometimes, when I'm looking for something really specific, and I run out of content before I finish. Usually I'd just go look for something else, but in this case, I just didn't. I'm not saying anyone should look at porn to not jack off, but I did, and I'm still standing, November 30th.

The second fantasy was dangerous in a different way, because it was something that could happen. I live in college residence, with one bathroom per gender per floor. My university had a week-long break in November where everyone I knew went home to their parents. I was considering taking the bus to campus and just getting naked in that bathroom, because nobody was ever going to go in there. Like exhibitionism without risk of getting caught. I didn't end up going to campus over that week, but the idea stuck around. I considered walking there and brushing my teeth in my underwear, but I figured that'd get me reported. I kept shrinking the scale of the fantasy until it was something I wouldn't get reported for, which is walking in while someone is taking a shower and undressing in front of them. There are multiple showers, so that's not wrong, it's just that usually that'd be too embarrassing and whoever got there second would just leave. There aren't enough of us that there's ever more than one person wanting to shower at a time.

I got over this one because it never happened. Nobody else was ever showering when I got there. My floor is just full of slobs, apparently. Every day for weeks, I was hoping someone would be in there - I even shaved my body so I could be a bit more confident undressing - but after it continued to not happen, I stopped being interested in the idea at all. I think if it had happened in this last week, I wouldn't have gotten anything sexual from it at all, and the same is true going forward. It never happened, but I got so used to the idea that it feels like it has a hundred times.

Now, I didn't get over the third one. It's kind of in between the first two, something that's not really possible but is still grounded in reality to some extent. So, as has everyone with a dick, I've tried to suck it, and I'm close, but I'm just barely not flexible enough. I had a thanksgiving dinner with friends where the topic came up, because one of them had had a conversation with one of their friends about it (we prodded because they said they shouldn't tell us, as friends do), and while I didn't really say anything incriminating, in the fantasy, I say that I bet I could suck my dick if there was someone giving me a little push. Naturally, the next day, two of them come to my house to help out, and they end up pushing my mouth all the way to the base. Then they'd tie me up like that, one would leave, the other would fold my legs in between my torso and my upper chest, stuff me in a backpack, and put me under their bed so they could fuck my ass whenever they want. Every time I thought about this one it got worse. One day, I realized what my POV would be during that and almost came hands-free. Eventually, it adapted to different situations, where it happens with different groups of friends in different places, like at a party.

You don't need to tell me how far gone I am, I know.

Thankfully, I persevered. It's 10PM in my timezone as I'm writing this, and to ensure that I don't lose, I'm going to get out in the open. Go to a study hall, or the food court, or just walk around. I can't be tempted if jacking off results in an indecent exposure charge and being expelled from the university. It's been brutal, but I'm so proud of myself for doing it. As you can tell, I was pretty desperate, and I've proven to myself that I don't depend on masturbation. I can stop, so I did. It still might be an addiction after this month, but it's an addiction I know I can pump the brakes on if it becomes debilitating. Even writing this was probably too risky to be worth it, reminding myself of the times I almost lost, but in just a few hours, I'll be on the other side. I'm sure of it.

And thanks to this community for pulling me through. When I found y'all, I was about half an hour out from getting naked and locking myself in a bag. Seriously. I don't know why I thought I could Houdini my way out of that shit when I lost interest. Nor do I know why I thought that would be hot. Nor do I know why I almost went through it thinking it would be hot, knowing that I was participating in NNN and I couldn't do anything about it. So thanks. Maybe I'm not a lost cause.

Godspeed, soldiers. This is a throwaway, so I guess you won't know if you see me next year. That's probably for the best. But I'll see you.