AITA for feeling insecure after finding out my boyfriend screenshots other girls and lied about stopping?

I (21, Black female) am dating a 22-year-old white male. I’m including race because it’s relevant. We’ve been together for about two years and eight months. We matched on Tinder in January 2023, and at first everything felt great. We’re both twins, we both like anime, and during the talking stage we used to have two- to three-hour phone calls. We laughed, talked about everything, and it felt like we really clicked.

But the red flags started early.

The first one was when I found out he still had his ex’s social media and number saved. That made me uneasy because I don’t think exes need to stay in contact. He insisted it wasn’t a big deal but deleted and blocked her once I asked. I brushed it off.

A few days later, during one of our nightly calls (we talked at 5 pm most days because of college schedules), I asked him if he had any regrets. He told me he used to stalk a girl in high school whom he had a crush on and even sent her a message threatening to take his own life if she didn’t respond. That was a major red flag. I know people will say I should’ve run, but I already had feelings, and I tried to give him grace because I wasn’t perfect in my teens either. He still regrets it and swears he’d never do something like that again.

Things eventually felt normal again. Then on Valentine’s Day, he told me he loved me. I didn’t say it back because it felt too soon, but he apologized for making me uncomfortable and we moved on. In March, I told him I felt the same way, and he asked me to be his girlfriend.

Things were okay—until that summer.

Around June, we talked about intimacy. I told him I wasn’t ready to have sex yet (I was a rising sophomore and didn’t want to risk pregnancy). He said it was fine because he watches porn and uses an AI app that edits pictures of girls to look sexual. I was shocked and disgusted. He even showed me how it worked—he uploaded screenshots of girls from Instagram and told the generator to put them in bikinis. The edits weren’t realistic, but I still found it disturbing. We talked about boundaries and what counts as cheating. To me, what he was doing was cheating.

That should’ve been my last straw. But I stayed.

Things got rocky. I asked for a break, we went no contact, he broke it the next day with a long message about loving me and promising to stop looking at other women. I took him back. Things were fine for a couple months.

Then I realized he’s lazy and inconsiderate in ways that matter in a relationship. I plan most dates. His idea of a date is “just being together”—watching movies, playing games, sports. I like museums, restaurants, cooking together, paint-and-sip, going downtown—things that feel intentional. He never wanted to do those things.

He never dressed up, either. He lived in sweats while I put on makeup, dresses, cute outfits. When I told him this made me feel unappreciated, he’d always say “Okay, I’ll try,” but wouldn’t follow through.

He’s also a very dry talker. I like talking about hobbies, dreams, ideas, life. He sticks to “How was your day?” It often feels like he wants a low-maintenance companion—not someone he’s deeply curious about.

He also doesn’t handle my experiences as a Black woman well. When I tell him about racial microaggressions, he shrugs them off with “Maybe you were overthinking it.” It makes me feel dismissed and unseen.

Our cultural differences are another issue. My parents are immigrants and strict; his are laid back. He thinks my parents are “crazy” and refuses to actually understand our culture. I’ve told him “different doesn’t mean wrong,” but he stays closed-minded.

Then there are situations where he doesn’t try with my friends. My sister and I hosted a fall weekend with group activities, pumpkin patches, movies, etc. He isolated himself, refused pictures, walked away, and acted miserable—despite agreeing beforehand to join. Meanwhile, I always show up for his interests.

It makes me feel like he doesn’t treat me like a partner. Just someone he keeps around.

And then the biggest issue: He told me he’d stop looking at other women…but he didn’t. I know because I looked at his phone. He’s still saving photos of other girls—all white women—some random, some from school, some from high school. As a Black woman, this hits deep. It makes me feel insecure and undesired.

But here’s the complicated part: After our most recent argument—where I told him clearly that I felt neglected—he has been putting more effort in.

He’s offered to take me to Candlelight, a live classical concert experience I’ve wanted to go to for months (they do Bridgerton-style covers of popular songs). He even said he’d plan the whole thing. He’s also been making more effort with his appearance—dressing up a little more for dates instead of wearing sweats.

And while I appreciate that… I’m scared it won’t last. I’m scared it’s just temporary guilt-motivated effort. I’m scared the second things feel “comfortable” again, he’ll go right back to doing the bare minimum and lying to me.

Because the truth is, even with this recent effort, I still caught him lying about looking at other women.

I feel like I’m constantly waiting for him to be consistent, and I’m tired.

There are things I like about him—his passion for his major, that he’s not judgmental, that he’s affectionate, that he listens sometimes. But liking a few things doesn’t make a healthy relationship.

He talks about marriage, but I don’t see it. We want different lifestyles. He wants kids and I don’t. He’s not close to anyone. He procrastinates. And emotionally, we’re not aligned.

I’m scared to leave because what if he does change and becomes the partner he claims he can be—for someone else? That thought devastates me because it makes me feel like maybe I wasn’t enough.

But I’m also scared to stay because what if he doesn’t change—and this is just who he is?

So… AITA for wanting to break up? Should I stay or go?