I think my dad is attracted to me and it’s ruining my intimate life with my partner.

TW: Incest is mentioned

I’m an 18F and I’m having serious issues with intimacy because of things related to my dad, and it all came crashing down last night.

Me and my boyfriend (also 18) have an amazing relationship. I love him, trust him, and he’s always been supportive and gentle with me. But I’ve noticed that when we get intimate, something in me freezes up. Sometimes I disconnect, sometimes I get overwhelmed, and sometimes I literally feel nothing.

Last night, it got so bad that I ended up full-on ugly crying while we were having sex. He asked what was wrong, and the only thing I could say was: “my dad.”

So here’s the background. My parents divorced when I was a toddler. My dad has always acted loving and involved, and I grew up thinking he was just a supportive parent who adored me. But around three years ago, I started revisiting a childhood memory that made me uncomfortable.

When I was around 5, I used to insist on taking showers with him because I was a little kid and didn’t understand boundaries yet. I remember him seeming reluctant but agreeing. The part that stuck with me is that when we were getting out, I saw his private parts in a state I had never seen before, he was having an erection, and as a kid, I made an innocent comment comparing it to a sausage and asked why it looked different. He immediately shut down the conversation and looked uncomfortable.

Nothing happened beyond that, and the memory is blurry, so I don’t know if it’s distorted or even real. But the discomfort around it stayed with me.

And honestly… it wasn’t just that. Growing up, he always had habits that felt “off,” but I didn’t know how to label them at the time: He would grab or squeeze my thighs when I sat next to him. He would smack my butt in a way he also does to his wife, not in a “parent” way. He made comments about my body that were not appropriate for a dad to say. As I got older, especially when I hit puberty, these habits didn’t stop, they actually got stronger. And he also acted overly invested in me in a way that sometimes felt more possessive than fatherly.

I asked him to stop a few times before, and he did, for a while, but then would smack my butt again a few weeks later when I was wearing leggings. I’ve always tried to brush it off as him being “touchy” or “joking,” or me overthinking, but now that I’m older and actually have a sexual life, my body is reacting in ways I don’t fully understand.

During sex, things start out good, I’m into it, my body responds… and then out of nowhere, something flips. I either get overwhelmed or I suddenly feel gross, disconnected, or like I want the whole thing to stop. Yesterday it hit me so hard I cried for half an hour.

It feels like there’s something trapped in my brain or body that I can’t process.

I’m not saying my dad did anything “big,” and I don’t want to accuse him of something I can’t clearly remember. But these patterns and memories are messing with my ability to enjoy intimacy in a healthy way.

Has anyone gone through something similar? How do you heal from this and reclaim intimacy without shutting down? Any advice from people who’ve dealt with trauma or boundary violations from a parent would help a lot.