I want to die, even after I have a fun time

I’ve had this feeling on and off for a while. But especially recently there’s been a lot of things that happened that are sort of heightening these negative feelings. I could have a rlly fun time and the same feelings come back right after. I’ve had instances w not being able to trust or being done dirty by my family. One of my family members is dying. The guy that took my virginity that I was attached to and made a lot of effort for, for a long time got a married girl pregnant and is taking her seriously. He never made any sort of effort for me, I would always be ignored even when I travelled 2 hours one way to even see him and he’d show up late. Feels like a joke. Another guy who i’ve done dirty multiple times, and he’s done me dirty but we have fun together and spend a lot of time together. He seemed to rlly only love me and be focused on me for a while, but he seems to have lustful thoughts. Idk if I actually carry a lot of weight towards these things, or if i’m looking for some sort of excuse. The family related issues I avoid more in my head, I don’t think about it, but it’s more heavy. I just want to die. I don’t think I will and I don’t want any therapist or to come off as corny or attention seeking so I don’t want to share my feelings w friends either. I was more open about telling the other guy about these thoughts, but feels very dumb atp. I would tell him certain things over my close friends but idk now.