Im not ready - everything feels so painful (f24)

Please help me - please stop me from talking myself out of getting a PFA, i cant get myself to finally leave and be done because im stuck thinking how isolated i will be. I was isolated before but now i will have absolutely no one, IDK - i know its for the best.

I sat here for the last hours , telling myself what i know - i deserve good. But after getting completely shit on and now ignored by both of my parents after i went to them for help, i feel extremely alone - they blame me for my actions and question my reasoning for wanting to he around him - i dont have an excuse. But part of me has this strong sense of resentment twds them because i genuinely believe they want me to be without anyone in my life, because then i'd have more time to cater to their own needs. My parents always promoted that being alone is better and that i dont need anyone , but i really do. I need my parents most of all and they continue to judge me and ignore me in my darkest time - like no one is listening, like i constantly have to behave a certain way to get the support i need, im so tired.

I hate feeling weak, because i know how strong i am but i just want someone to tell me its okay, i feel so sick for allowing myself to get like this but i cant pity myself eithier.

My sister has been gone since july, she would be here protecting me. Im learning that , i really have to fight this all on my own and its extremely hard.

Ive been no contact with my "abuser" since Tuesday and i know in my heart its not good for me, but he has been the only person here for me since my sister left and when my parents decide to mistreat me and leave me to grieve alone.

Idk what to do. I know im strong enough to fight this, but all i want is to be with him right now. Why!!