[NSFW] I guess I'm not as gross as I thought? Or maybe I am. But I'm okay with it now. Kind of.

Throwaway account because I would die of embarrassment.

I've held onto this secret since middle school and I've never talked about it. I watched some Whang! videos, and now I feel a little less ashamed because, well...it's not as bad as it could be? But it's still gross. I acknowledge that 100%.

So I'll just be as blunt as I can.

I'm in my mid-twenties with 0 sexual experience (outside of...well, we'll get there), and I have a difficult relationship with my vagina. It's hard to explain, because it makes no sense, but it's really the only way my situation could have possibly come to fruition. Just trust that I have considered alternative methods.

I cannot remember a time when I didn't know that friction "down there" felt good. I also, somehow, was intuitively ashamed of that. I didn't think about it too much. I did it in private when I felt like it, and that was that. I wasn't picky about how I got it done at first (as long as I wasn't directly touching myself for whatever reason), but at some point, I discovered that plushies were the way to go. And at a later point, I discovered that the absence of any barriers between me and the plushie felt even better.

So I live long enough to get to middle school, and I get a Build-A-Bear with my friends. Now, I don't know why I immediately defiled the plush bear that night, I only know that I did, and it felt good. So good, in fact, that I no longer sullied other plushies. Only that damn bear. With no barriers (unless I'm on my period). To this very day.

The worst part is that I have never washed this thing. At this point, I think washing it would be even grosser because it has a decade's worth of ~fluid~ caked onto all 4 limbs. And, to be honest, I don't want to screw up this thing that works for me.

I think the weirdest part is that it's...seemingly fine? Because of my difficult relationship with my vagina, I haven't let a gynecologist so much as look at my vulva, so I don't really know for sure, and I've never had the opportunity to mess around with someone enough that I felt comfortable letting them anywhere near that part of my body. But there's no bad odor. It's not itchy. My discharge looks to be within the realm of normal. There aren't any symptoms of any infection that I'm aware of.

And, for what it's worth, the bear is kind of fine, too. I keep it under my bed and fish it out when I need it. It doesn't stink (at least...I don't think it does?). There are no visible bugs living in or on it (there's probably some dust mites or something, but those microscopic fuckers are literally everywhere). There's no fungal growth.

I've never written this all out before. Honestly...I feel a little less bad about it now. It's still gross, and I'd never tell someone I actually know anything about this, but...yeah. I really get the whole "off my chest" thing now. I know this is futile, being the internet and all, but it would be appreciated if people weren't creepy about this? Morbid curiosity is totally fine, though.