Is this relationship doomed? My (33F) boyfriend (51M) is feeling afraid about closing the gap due to health issues.

I recently returned to Norway after four months apart from my partner. Those four months were hard on both of us. He has chronic migraines, and I deal with depression and anxiety, although I communicate well and manage it as best as I can. Despite everything, we have always managed to come through difficult periods feeling closer. The last time I visited, things were wonderful and we bonded more than ever.

This time feels very different. I arrived about a week ago, and when he met me at the airport he seemed happy but also a bit distant. Something felt off, although nothing had changed in my own feelings. The first two days were great, but then things took a turn. He withdrew a lot and felt tense. I have seen him withdraw before when his migraines are bad, so I tried to give him space while still offering support.

Despite that, things felt strange and emotionally cold. Last night everything pretty much came out. We had an odd conversation that slowly spiralled into something heavier. A lot of his stress came spilling out.

He brought up my animal rescue work back in Australia, which makes me happy, and said it seems like something that takes a lot of time and is very separate from his world. I told him it is fine that he is not involved in it and that we do not need to share every interest.

From there, the conversation shifted to how stressful the last four months had been for him. At the same time I had been dealing with caring for my mother, a severe rat infestation that destroyed my sleep for months, work stress, and other life issues. Despite all of that, we were both looking forward to seeing each other again.

The topic eventually moved to the idea of me moving here, which has clearly been weighing heavily on him. He worries about my mum, he worries that his migraines will limit what kind of life he can give me, and he feels overwhelmed by the seriousness of it all. Last time I was here, he seemed excited about taking steps toward a future together. Before I flew over this time, he even mentioned that I should bring some documents. But when he found out I needed an official document from my country that proves I am free to marry, which costs money and takes several weeks to process, he became flustered and backed away from the idea. That hurt, because it had seemed like he was ready.

Looking back on the past couple of weeks, there were other moments that now make more sense. A few days ago, when things still felt mostly ok, I casually asked him what kind of ring he might like one day. His reaction was literally, “Ring???” He looked shocked and caught off guard. I was not expecting that reaction and it took me by surprise. I have also noticed that whenever I mention my boss joking around about marriage in a supportive way, he never responds… He just goes quiet and it always feels awkward. I had mentioned last time that I’m sorry if it makes him stressed out, it was just funny but he just doesn’t really say much.

During our conversation he said things like, “shouldn’t I be extremely happy to be thinking of doing this, but instead I feel afraid?”. He said he does not want to hurt me and that he wishes we could be together without all these stressful factors… he also said that he loves me so much still and that he’s still attracted to me… I have never seen him cry this much so I know he’s not lying about anything… but it made me wonder where we actually stand. I feel like I am more into it than he is… I’m more sure of it than he is, that’s for sure.

We have been doing long distance for two years now. He said he is not interested in anyone else and that he did not plan for things to feel like this…. And his migraines have been making him miserable and he worries he is pushing me away. He said this happened in his two previous long term marriages, which makes everything even harder to hear. I have worked hard to adjust to the fact that he has been married twice and has children, and I get along with everyone, but it has definitely been a process..

I still have two months left here. He says he wants to figure things out, but I feel hurt and unsure. His fear makes me feel like we have reached a dead end, even though I love him deeply. I have told him that his migraines do not define him and that I am here to support him, but I also feel very shaken…

After all of this, we ended up being intimate and it felt good, but for the first time I felt uncomfortable. It felt emotionally mismatched, almost like I was being used, even though I know he did not mean it that way. It just felt strange being intimate after such a heavy conversation where the future suddenly felt uncertain.

I’m currently sitting in the bathroom, at 4:05 in the morning, crying. I’ve been awake for the last two hours and I just can’t get back to sleep. I do have some friends in neighbouring countries (Europe) that I could stay with, but my boyfriend said that he doesn’t want me to go.

I genuinely do not know what to do or what to expect now.