I hate myself

Everyday I want to kill myself. Been like that since Halloween. Everything is just too much, what am I supposed to do? All of my problems could be solved by just ending my life and I wish I would but I know I'm a coward. I pray that bad things happen to me, I deserve them. I abuse weed, alcohol, nicotine, cough syrup, shrooms, at this point it's whatever I can get my hands on. God my parents would be ashamed. You know those cliche things people tell suicidal people? It gets worse before it gets better, imagine your pets being confused, it'll impact your friends and family for the rest of their lives.

Am I a bad person because none of that matters anymore? I love everyone in my life but it feels like I do everything wrong and they don't deserve that. They deserve to flourish without me holding them back. I try and use little things to keep me going, concerts, working with my favorite people at my two jobs, things I plan with friends. But it's like now I'm just looking forward to the next time I can get fucked up.

I think I've disappointed Ryan. He offered to help me when I feel like the drugs are too much, but I think I'll always refuse to admit it to myself that there's a problem. He's seen me at my lowest twice and. A good friend wouldn't put somebody through that. He doesn't deserve to have to help me with my problems while dealing with his own chaotic life. Justin probably thinks I'm fucking insane. M knows I can't shake the feeling of wanting to kill myself, but why the hell did I burden them with that. Every time I ask to hangout with people I feel like I'm clinging to them and they don't really want me around. I have a preconceived notion that everyone hates me, but I think I'm starting to understand. When I started my first job, Ryan quit and then came back a couple months later. Apparently I told him I thought that he quit because I hated him. I don't remember telling him that. We're good friends now. How has my mindset not changed? It's been 3 years and I've made no improvement on my mindset, in fact it's just getting worse. I think everyone hates because I think everyone SHOULD hate me.

Who am I to think of my friends that way? I SHOULD kill myself.