You ever just feel empty?

Its 3am and I dont know why im even writing this. Maybe I want somone to care, or maybe I just want attention. I dont even know anymore.

Im 28 and a man. To most people that would mean I've got my whole life ahead of me, but for me that just means I've been alive too long dealing with the pain. The funny part is, I know whats wrong with me, I know the resources and numbers I should be using to seek help. But I dont want to. I dont want to get better, I want to keep falling as low as I can get, because eventually I'll reach a point where killing myself doesnt seem scary anymore.

My whole life I've felt isolated, and as I grew up that transfered into relationships woth people that didn't care about me, or meaningless sex just to feel wanted. Because thats who I am. I want love, I want safety. I want to be wanted. Not in a platonic way. I want to be the person somone loves and has a smile thinking about. But im broken. On a deep level im just not worthy of that. I could keep seeking out people to abuse me just to feel wanted for a time, and I probably will, until I feel so filthy and dirty and worthless that taking my own life seems small by comparison.

Im tired of being used. But its all im good for, snd even then im a last resort or a backup. Im not the guy you proudly boast about being with. Not the guy you want to spend Christmas with. Not the guy who you stay loyal to or love. Im the disposable man. Im an object. So I get discarded.

Im not looking for anyone to tell me any different, I wouldnt believe you anyway. It's 3am and all I can think about is what it would be like to truly be loved for once. And once that thought starts, the others follow. A bag over my head, or a noose around my neck. A fist full of tablets or a knife at my wrists.

This is my life, and its not even worth being called that. Like the rest of me, its worthless.