familial antagonizing

im 20 and still living with my parents while i commute to school and work part-time. i pay for my own expenses and even contribute to the mortgage, but living at home has become increasingly difficult because of my mom’s behavior.

a example that comes to mind is a laptop i shared with my mom a few years back that went black one day and never turned back on. to this day, my mom insists i broke it intentionally so she’d buy me a new one… it broke while she was using it. my mom’s constant suspicion and conspiratorial thinking has only escalated since then.

recently, the wheel of my father’s car fell off while I was driving and she accused me of sabotaging it. i bought a car a few years back but since i registered it under my mom’s name (genuinely the dumbest thing i’ve ever done)- i can’t use it. she’s removed the license plates and claims i’ll kill someone on the road, even though i have no accidents, no tickets. it’s really frustrating and to this day i hate myself for doing everything with my mom up to that point.

when she becomes upset, she goes into long fits of screaming, crying, calling me evil. my dad recognizes something is wrong, we’ve tried to get her into therapy but my mom refuses. i’ve stopped engaging during these fits because i’ve come to realize nothing i say will help humanize me. in the past i’ve tried being more vulnerable with her since i thought it would help create a bond between us- i’ve shared hardships in friendships, career uncertainty, even the trauma of being molested by her boyfriend, and these soft spots are all repeatedly weaponized against me during her fits.

it’s painful but i don’t want to move out yet because it’s expensive and i already have hefty student loans. on most days i don’t talk to her at all, neither does she. i can easily block out the noise with earbuds, but i can’t lie that even that living at home makes me emotional. my relationship with her, or lack there of, feels impossible to overcome. we’ve always had issues but it’s only gotten worst as i’ve grown up.