Posted by: Evan & Lila. We wrote this together

Hi Reddit - this is going to be long. We’re posting together because we want an outside perspective: should we go no-contact (or very low contact) with Evan’s mom, Marianne, after years of patterns that feel abusive, manipulative, and boundary-violating?

Lila moved in with me and Marianne a while ago, and we are moving out in the middle of this month. Things were mostly fine in the beginning, but overtime, patterns and behaviors were noticed and discussed - and eventually the behaviors escalated. Thanksgiving was the latest incident that pushed us to ask this question, but it didn’t start there. Below is everything that has happened, as accurately as we can write it, with no edits or omissions. We want blunt, honest feedback about whether going no/low-contact is reasonable and how to do it safely.

Who we are:

• Evan: I grew up with my mom having sole emotional reliance on me. I never fully realized her behaviors and patterns until recently. She would often paint my dad as a worse person to manipulate me into favoriting her. She has a long history of being manipulative, selfish, and inappropriate.
• Lila: My own family issues pointed me in the direction of moving in with Evan and Marianne when we were 17. In the beginning, Marianne was a strong mother figure to me and tended to my emotional needs in the way that mine never did. As time went on, I began noticing weird behavior from her toward Evan which was concerning. Good things only last so long before the facade fades away.
• We have a lease signed to move out mid-December. We are getting away physically.

Short answer we want:

Given years of boundary violations (physical, emotional, and privacy), manipulation, and family triangulation, should we go no-contact after we move? If not full no contact, what boundaries would be essential?

Full background — everything Marianne has done (factual list)

We are writing this calmly and together. This is not an attempt to villainize for clicks it’s a request for perspective and a safe plan. Everything below is exactly what has happened.

Early childhood / formative patterns (context for Evan)

• Marianne kissed Evan on the mouth until he was roughly 9-10 years old.
• When Evan was 14, he stopped giving her their routine "goodnight cheek kiss" (a normal developmental boundary). She reacted by not speaking to him for days.
• When Evan was 13 and began going through puberty, he obviously started growing pubic hair. He went to ask his mom about it, and she told him to show her. He did reluctantly, and she brushed her hand along his area to "check"... which was unnecessary and made him very uncomfortable.

Repeated sexualized / physically inappropriate behaviors (non-graphic)

• She jumped on Evan and threw her leg up on him, asking him to "hold her". Evan threw his hands up, clearly uncomfortable, and Lila side-eyed Marianne. Marianne asked Lila what was wrong, and Lila responded, "Why did you just... mount him?" Marianne took offense to that and brought it up privately to Evan later, telling him she didn't like Lila's attitude and she "wished he had defended her". {There was nothing to defend, as she had not done this recently, if at all, and he was still uncomfortable, but her response was a passive-aggressive "Okay, I'll never touch you again!"

• She used to excessively pinch his nipples (presented as joking).

• She's made plenty of sexualized jokes/comments about Evan. If he were in the shower, it would be, "Oh Evan, don't forget to wash/shave your balls!" If she could hear him peeing (weird, I know, but this is our point), it would be "I could hear the pee going from his penis into the toilet from downstairs." She went through our bedside table one day, found some towels, and started joking about "Evans cum rags". (Not even what those towels were.) This next one is actually what made Lila confront Evan about his comfort level with Marianne's "jokes" for the first time - Evan made a joke about cutting off Marianne's hair, and she followed it by saying, "I'm gonna come and chop off your 'thing' while you're sleeping."

• Marianne once showed Lila a movie clip of a girl “mounting” a guy (the same way that Marianne jumped on Evan). She said, "Lila look! She's mounting her bodyguard!) and gave Lila a look referencing the way Marianne herself had jumped on Evan.

• Marianne once held up a swimsuit top that Lila ordered and implied she would show Evan to see what he thought about the size difference. Clearly sexual and comparing breast size to her son. (Lila has a smaller chest than Marianne. There is also a 25+ year age difference between the two.) (Marianne never ended up showing Evan because he went elsewhere, and she must have forgotten.)

• These behaviors were repeated and normalized by her; Evan tolerated/normalized them because of how he was raised, but now finds them wrong and repulsive.

Privacy invasions / walking in / towel incidents

• She repeatedly walked into their bedroom without knocking, often in the mornings. This was so persistent that they eventually started locking the bedroom door at night.
• She frequently walked into their room wearing only a towel to talk about non-urgent things and would not get dressed beforehand
• She tried to walk in during intimacy once (no knock. The door was locked, thank God).
• She would walk in when Evan was only in a towel and sit down and start talking. If Lila was changing or only in a towel, Marianne often didn’t leave - Lila had to go to the bathroom to change because Marianne wouldn’t get the hint.
• These invasions of privacy are less frequent now, but only because we have both majorly pulled away.
• Marianne has opened Amazon packages and other deliveries that belonged to Evan & Lila, taken or used items (chargers, opened goods) without asking, and then denied or minimized it when confronted. Example: one delivery had a missing phone charger and other items opened; Marianne claimed she “borrowed” things. Said she "figured she could borrow a charger since she 'pays the bills and all".
• She secretly threw out flowers Evan bought Lila, then gave evasive answers when questioned.

Emotional manipulation, enmeshment, and control

• Marianne uses guilt and emotional leverage constantly: phrases like “after everything I’ve done for you,” “I allowed you to live here,” “you got what you needed, now you don’t need me,” and “I need this relationship with my son.”
• She pushes for one-on-one time and complains when Evan prioritizes Lila, then calls him “part of her” and treats his independence as betrayal.
• She regularly triangulates: talks to Evan about Lila behind her back, then accuses Lila of being the problem; vice versa.
• She gives the silent treatment for days as punishment and then texts for favors during the silent period.
• She uses victim-play. (Deny, attack, reverse victim/offender) when confronted and often refuses accountability.

Micro-attacks, body-shaming, competitiveness

• She repeatedly makes cutting remarks to Lila about weight, clothing, feet size, and appearance (calling Lila’s feet “skis,” making jabs at weight/food).
• After starting a medication (Zemp), Marianne obsessively talks about being thinner, scales, pants size, and asks to borrow or reclaim clothes she gave Lila because she's "skinny now".
• Constantly would compare stuff to Lila. Such as clothing size. One day, Lila and Marianne were shopping. Lila commented on how it's hard for her to find stuff because she's bigger on the bottom and smaller on the top. Marianne's only response is - "Well, I'm GETTING smaller on the top." Very passive-aggressively.
• "Wow, your feet are SO big compared to mine!"
• The chest size thing.
• "Wow, you sure like you some food." Snarky, referring to portion size. (Lila hadn't eten all day)

Misc things

• She once told them “fend for yourselves” about dinner, then got furious that Evan didn’t bring her soup and lectured him about “being aware of things if you want to keep living in this house.”
• She asks oddly specific questions she shouldn’t know the answer to (example: asking if they were both working full days the morning Evan had a half day he had not told her). These kinds of comments make them feel monitored in a way.

Specific incidents (chronological highlights)

• Family trip (months earlier): Evan stepped out of the room; a cousin cornered Lila and interrogated her about “PDA.” The couple’s “PDA” was at most leaning on each other together on a couch or lying with each other in the morning (MODESTLY). Cousin never truly apologized and avoided them for the rest of the trip. Marianne later joked, “Fuck them! I think we're awesome. I’ll make out with both of you,” referencing that moment. (We were both 17 at that time, and not to mention, 1/2 of us were her son...)
• Cats left outside: Marianne left the cats out; neighbor texted; Lila/ Evan intervened; Marianne screamed at Evan and then ignored them for days. She texted Lila on day 4 asking for a favor.
• Flowers: Evan bought Lila flowers; Marianne later threw them out and gave contradictory denials/explanations.
• Evan was using the restroom one day, and Marianne implied she was going to open the door to the bathroom. Lila said, "I don't think you want to do that.." Marianne said, 'I'll do what I want!' And went to try and open the door. It was locked. She later explained that she "didn't know" men poop with their junk out. We call bullshit... (She has 3 brothers, only sons, and has been married twice, as well as having plenty of boyfriends.)
• On our anniversary, Marianne called Evan, upset they didn’t text her or call her. She said, “Remember me?” - as if she should have been prioritized.
• Evan left her Life360. She told them, “Oh, so Lila can know where you are, but your mom can’t?!” when Evan turned off a location share, making Lila feel downgraded after she would often refer to her as her daughter.

What happened at Thanksgiving (the immediate trigger)

• The cousin who cornered Lila months earlier was at Thanksgiving. When we walked in, the cousin was the center of attention, family huddled around her, she side-eyed us, and no one apologized or acknowledged the prior incident. The atmosphere felt like cold judgment and deliberate exclusion.

• Evan became visibly overwhelmed and said, “I want to go” (he was on the verge of tears). Lila didn’t push him - she supported him and said, “Okay, then let’s go.” We hugged Evan’s grandparents and left quietly - no yelling, no dramatic scene.

• Marianne then texted in the group chat: “Can someone explain what happened??” Evan called out the cousin and explained the situation. Marianne responded by accusing them of causing a scene, saying they “made themselves the victim,” and telling them “Y’all should probably stay at your dad’s tonight. I’m sick of this shit.” After Evan responded more directly, she went silent. This felt like an attempt to punish and control through guilt. Marianne turned around and made the situation about herself by saying, "This is the same way y'all treat me. No talking, silence. Thanks."

NOTE: WE BOTH WORK 40HR WEEKS, ON OUR FEET! WE ARE TIRED! Not to mention she makes us uncomfortable! We don't want to talk all the time for hours on end!

She hasn't spoken to us since Thanksgiving, except to ask Evan if we're still moving.

Impact on us

• Lila: stress-induced vomiting often, severe nausea, physical anxiety, constantly on edge.
• Evan: rising anger, disgust, and resentment toward his mom; feels guilty for feeling that way because he was parentified; sometimes regresses to conciliatory behavior because of conditioning, but corrects it.

What we’ve tried

• Direct conversations with Marianne about boundaries she often denies, minimizes, gaslights, or switches to victimhood. "I'm your mom! Nothing I do should make you uncomfortable!"
• Practical steps: locking the bedroom door, keeping things secure, avoiding solo conversations with Marianne.
• Setting a plan to move out as soon as possible to create distance.
• Evan has confronted her occasionally; typical response is denial → passive-aggression → silent treatment → victim role.

Why we’re considering no-contact

• The behaviors combine sexualized physical boundary crossings, privacy invasions, emotional manipulation, and triangulation. These are not isolated lapses but a recurring pattern that has harmed our mental and physical health.
• We don’t feel safe having one-on-one contact between Evan and Marianne anymore because of the repeated inappropriate physicality and the fact that Marianne pressures for private time.
• We worry that partial/low contact will invite endless guilt, manipulation, and being pulled back into unhealthy dynamics - but we also worry about the social fallout: grandparents, extended family, and the label of being “dramatic” or “ungrateful.”

The core questions we want Reddit to answer

1. Is cutting contact reasonable after all this? Are we overreacting?
2. If we opt for low contact instead, what should the non-negotiable boundaries be? (no one-on-one time with Evan, no in-person visits without prior notice, all communication via text, block on unannounced visits, no calls at odd hours?)
3. How do we handle escalation from Marianne (love-bombing, guilt campaigns, showing up unannounced) once we’re moved out?
4. Would you recommend documenting everything and informing family/friends/possibly therapists or legal authorities of the boundary violations? If so, how?
5. How do we explain/defend a no or low contact decision to grandparents or other relatives who will likely pressure us?
6. Are there safety/legal steps we should take before moving (changing locks, altering phone privacy settings, etc.)?

Final notes

We don’t want to “burn a bridge” lightly. We love parts of Evan's family, and we love Evan's grandparents. We also want to be safe, respected, and mentally healthy. We’re scared, angry, exhausted, and unsure what an appropriate, humane response looks like from the outside. We also know the pattern of manipulation and abuse escalation well enough to be wary of being pulled back in.

Please be blunt. If you think we should leave the door open for reconciliation, explain what healthy reconciliation would actually require (specific actions, accountability steps, therapy, time limits, etc.). If you think we should go no-contact, tell us how to do it safely and compassionately with minimal fallout.

Thanks for reading - we’ll answer clarifying questions. Please don’t gaslight the reality of the behaviors we described; read the full post before judging.