Youthline is useless

I am actively suicidal right now. I contacted Youthline's webchat - not even sure why, honestly, they have ALWAYS made me feel worse, so I don't know why I thought it would be different this time.

Most of me wants to die right now, and basically the only things stopping me are: lack of access to means, family being sad, and having work tomorrow. All three of those things I can logically overcome, and last night I nearly did. I'm really annoyed at myself for not following through last night, and I'm really close to talking myself into it.

I also have a history of attempting before (but this is the first time that I actually want to die more than get help).

A smaller part of me knows that this is how people think when they're in a crisis, and that I'm not actually capable of deciding my future in this state of mind. Which is a bit better than last night - I was 100% convinced last night. But still, the way bigger part of me wants to die.

I told Youthline all of this, and they did their usual, "That sounds hard" thing, and just basically repeated what I was saying back to me, which is incredibly frustrating - which is one way of distracting me I suppose, because then I was more angry at them than thinking about dying.

Then they told me I'm so strong for reaching out for help, which I HATE. Every time they always say that - that's not why I reached out. I don't want help, and I'm not strong and resilient. Child abuse and trauma hasn't made me strong and resilient; it's just made me good at pretending to be, which makes people dismiss me because I seem fine.

I told them that, and they immediately backed off and went, "Is this chat helpful to you right now?" and asked me what do I want. I said I don't know what I want, and they basically went, "Ok, sorry if this chat hasn't been helpful to you" and ended the chat.

Which always happens. Last time that happened as well, and that's why I ended up overdosing sooner than I was planning to. I have abandonment issues, and it really bothers me that every time this always happens. I say that it's not working, I am CLEARLY in distress, and they're just like, "Well, we can't help if you don't want us to help you, goodbye."

Also, please don't DM me and try to keep me alive or anything. I don't want to be talked out of it. I haven't fully made up my mind yet - my mind is fighting itself, and one part will eventually win. Hopefully, I'll just do it, and then I can die and rest finally.