Everyone says to meditate, to stop giving the thoughts power, to keep positive. None of that has absolutely any effect on being in severe shutdown.

I’ve laid here for an hour meditating - I feel no better from meditation, ever. I used to love it when I was in ventral vagal and a normal person. it brought me actual peace.

there is no escape from my own mind. I have music in my head 24/7, no inner monologue, no sense of self, or sense of reality. I can meditate every single day, I’m locked out of my own system. I spent all day cleaning cooking and taking care of myself. i focus on other things. that hasnt brought me one second of normal. I haven’t had literally one second of not being dissociated in nearly 4 years.

i honestly cannot comprehend how I could ever get out of this. and my mind can’t believe it either. I’ve been doing SE/IFS for months now and am only getting worse. I have absolutely no concept of self, of identity, of a past or a future. I’m just nothing, and nobody.

meditation actually makes it worse. I notice how I feel no part of my body, how I don’t even feel like i have a body or face. I’m not in my body. I know people mean well when they recommend it, but when you’re severely dissociated for years, it makes it worse.

i think that at this point I should just resign that this is going to be the rest of my life. there is no way out - my mind has locked itself off and threw away the key. I’m exhausted of trying, I’m exhausted of existing. sleep isn’t an escape, nothing is. I have lived this for years with not one moment of enjoyment, peace, presence, happiness, nothing. there’s no point, absolutely no point. I don’t want to hurt the people around me, but I can’t do it anymore. no one can help me. not even my therapist. I don’t trust anyone - not even myself. I had a happy and fulfilling life before this, I loved life. the world felt like my oyster and so much opportunity. now I just want it to all end.