I need death

Sorry for the long post just so I can vent. I’m not suicdal. I just feel like the sweet release of death is better than this hellhole I’m living in. Porn addiction is making my life awful and quitting is making me feel worse because I can’t do it. 3 years of trying and I still can’t do it. Today I was at a canyon in Arizona for a road trip and I genuinely was sorta scared because of these occasional thoughts that I could jump off. I didn’t want to but I knew that I felt that way. I know that my life will get better and it’s just a phase but I wish I could skip ahead of this and live out my life and achieve my dreams. Why do I have to deal with this? Why don’t other kids my age have to feel like this? I wish I could escape this life but I know it’s never going to happen. I’ll be stuck in this loop until I either kill myself or escape this loop of suicidal thoughts and anxiety. I really hope it’s the second one but you never know and i may never get to achieve my dreams and live my life to the fullest.