Cheated on my partner last night

I had no plans or want to cheat. I struggle with drinking and wanted to get some more and also have a friend to talk to. I struggle to get on apps for making female friends due to a trauma with my only girl friend holding me hostage. I am trying my best to not make excuses, I know I’m wrong.

I got tinder, got a guys number, and told him previously I strictly do not want anything sexual and only want a friend to talk to. (The reason this was done behind his back in the first place is because I am not allowed to have guy friends) I drank too much and don’t remember a thing. I just know it happened.

I know I didn’t even try anything or wasn’t touchy on him at all, he just did it when I was blacked out. Then complained about me crying about it and took me home.

See I know this is SA, but me seeking out somebody to hang out with on tinder anyways is very wrong of me to do. I’m not looking for pity. I love him so fucking much and I really hope this never comes in the light. The last thing I want to do is lose him.

Thank you for reading.