i need help

im a 24 y/o male and I dont know why im writing this post. I was diagnosed in 7th grade. I started my first real job this year and I take my medication everyday. I feel it slowly working less and less and I know I am dependent on my meds. I hate that I cannot just choose when to be productive. I am chained to these uppers and I know theres no other way at this point. I have accepted it but all my life I plateau and give up on everything I do and that darkness I felt when I was younger is starting to come back as I remember this is forever. My mind feels so blank and so full all at once and when I try to write down my feelings my brain goes white and I feel nothing. Im slow and im weak but I know I could be great and I want to be and thats what hurts the most. Im def going to delete this post later but im just feeling lost