I obsessed over someone online and can’t get over them and I can’t mentally move on.

How do I put this so this as been a multy year long saga for me, that includes alot mixed emotions and thoughts, sadness mental confusion. So it all started back in late 2021 early 2022 when I discovered the YouTube channel belonging to a woman who is around my age (late 20s curelrently) and for the sake of this just going to refer to the woman as now as T. T is a film reviewer/critic YouTuber who at the time of discovering had only about 2,000 or so subscribers, so a small channel. I'm a big movie buff and I think at the time I though wow I could do what she's doing I'm arround the same age as her maybe this is what I can kinda do. Movies are really my my biggest and almost consuming passion in my life, a true cinephile if you will. But at the time I was enfold in film production program at a nearby college, so at the time I still thought I want to make movies. But I kept following her, and I and eventually I started thinking dang she's really pretty she's very thoughtful and intelligent and I love listening to her and if I had a girlfriend I would want someone just like her in every way. 

Eventually I discovered her tikok page where she had amased a significant amount of followers about more than 40k currently although she doesn’t post on there anymore, but her youtube channel kept growing and started to reach arround 7,000 subscribers by mid 2023, it was at this point in spring of 2023 dropped out of the film program at my college after dealing with some personal stuff and feeling overwhelmed, and I had lost my job had to move back in with my parents, and so thought well I still have this passion for film maybe my I could take a crack at this YouTube movie review thing, a decision I came to after I found myself looking at everything she was doing and seeing really feeling oh I want to do that. A decision toward the end of 2023 Also toward the end of 2023 I was looking at her on Instagram more and seeing her go on these cool trips, I saw she attended this cool genre film festival I wanted to go to, a grew envious of her life want do what she was doing, I also felt bad because I accidentally missed out on the 2023 one night only re-release of The Abyss and I had seen she went to it, which is something that will come back around later. 

Then comes 2024 I had discovered she had started a podcast with other online film critics/creators, and then when she ended up getting to attend Sundance film festival as press and the SXSW with through this podcast. I also started to get even more envious to want the kind of life she was having, she attended this big Star Wars May 4th marathon in California, which wanted to go to, which I then discovered that she was was hooked up to attend by this PR company, a PR I discovered also worked for the the aforementioned genre film festival which I then saw that company was looking for creators to work with which is likely how she got to do those things although the PR company has closed the application site for that, which is something I got sad about because I wanted to do all that. 

So at that point tried to make some YouTube video reviews of films I had seen with the hopes of trying to get to a point where I could get a press passes for some of these big film festivals that T went to, and I was wanting to travel like she was traveling. Honestly now that think about I was subconsciously and consciously thinking I either want to be her or be with her. Of course here I was unemployed living with my parents, and I don’t know if she’d want to be with me even with our shared passion for film, of course I don’t know how I’d be able to meet her at the time. 

So back to the me creating my own channel to review movies, I thought I could maybe gain enough subs and legitimacy to apply for and obtain a press pass for the genre film festival that she had attended to in previous years as press, I thought she could do so it just starting in my room like T did so I thought I could too, maybe not realizing how long that might take and that it might not play out that way. I tried to start with a review of Challengers and I had seen T’s review blow up and gain over 100k views, which really accelerated her channel a bit, I was also quite envious of that. But I realized how not good on camera I was and other life things got in the way so I put a pause on me doing the whole YouTube movie review thing, and the deadline to apply for a press pass for the genre film festival had passed and I had no movie reviews to show for it any way, to apply for I geuss I'm could have gotten a fan pass, but I couldn't afford it, also I knew she was going to go. 

Now T had posted about attending the aforementioned genre film festival , and so she did attend, and I was experiencing all this fomo wishing I was there, and I kept on thinking in my head I thought I could have met her there, I honestly if anything wanted to befriend her, and really I wanted to make friends with her and within the wider online film critic/creator community and be apart of this group as a fellow YouTube and non YouTube critics, even though I'd feel a little imposter syndrome likely being a tiny super low subscriber channel. Although I still want all of that stuff still, at the back of my mind I also thought I could maybe be more than friends with T if I got become a freind/acquaintance. And I thought I guess I could go in 2025.

But the genre film festival happened and time went on and we enter January 2025 and I tried my hand I trying to make another YouTube movie review and again I froze and just wasn't great a talking to the camera. But I still kept following looking at her YouTube channel and her Instagram and her Twitter/X page alot. It got to a point in which I knew it was unhealthy so I blocked her on Instagram, unblocked her to see what she was doing multiple times day. I then saw that she and the podcast she was apart got press credentials for the Cannes Film Festival in France something I became super envious further deepening that hole in my heart of either wanting to be her or be with her. I want to travel to France something never done I want to see all these films early and be there with the famous actors. Then I saw the group got press passes for the Toronto International Film Festival and we’re going there in 2025 instead that genre Film Festival that I thought I would go to this year and maybe meet her there, and then more FOMO and sadness as I watched all of her Instagram posts about what she was watching at TIFF, and I got more jealous but also as I occasionally watched clips of the video of the podcast she’s on I became more and more enamored with her, I love her voice, her personality, everything she’s quickly became who I would want in a girlfriend. And then my heart sank like a rock.

I had looked on her Twitter/X page where she posted her with her boyfriend and I was heartbroken I felt depressed, wanted to cry, I still want to cry I felt numb, it had hit me that had developed this obsession with her and I wanted to be just like her because I wanted to be with her. To make matters worse I decided to go down a rabbit hole and look into her boyfriend who is definitely older, obviously has nice job, he too is a film critic although a light one has been writing for various sites for 10 years, has amassed 25k followers on his Twitter/X page seems much better for, and what has even further gut punched me was she met about easily as I could have, he tweeted about that The Abyss in 2023 during the time of that aforementioned re release and I’m assuming they became quaintnesses through that maybe I don’t know. He seams so good for her he’s got 10 year’s experience as a film critic writing for various sites, I just am a wreck right now, I still want to be like her, she now has 20k subs on YouTube, want to go to all the big film festivals, I want to review movies, I want to be. Apart of this film critic community, I just huh, I just want a woman who is smart as her, as knowledgeable about films as her, a pretty as her. I wanted her, and I still want to be like her, and I’ve tried to cut myself off from following but so far it’s become a habit that’s hard to break. I just don’t know what to do I don’t know what to do with my life, I see her and other people in the big city’s get to go to 70mm showings of movies where as I don’t live an a city near one, they get to see movie earlier in limited release. I just don’t know. I feel sad and emotionally crushed right now. I want try cry but the tears are dry for some reason. 

If anyone has any advice or wants to comment feel free to.