Why can’t I be a normal good teenager?

I put so much stress on my family I feel so bad but I can’t stop. I’m always chasing a high and I know something is wrong with me but I don’t know what and I can’t stop . I started with cutting myself from 9-10, which was used as a way to relieve stress. I started smoking weed at 11 because I always had access to it but I’ve been caught over 5 times and it brings a lot of stress to my family and idk why I do it I don’t know I drink but not very often , which I will never do again after my grandparents found me naked throwing up 2 days ago non responsive .. that was bad … Ive snuck out to college party’s and gotten caught by the cops at 3 am , I haven’t smoked weed in 2 weeks but I still vape , I tend to have very hard time focusing In school, especially in math. My grades aren’t that bad except algebra. I took it last year and failed with a 37 so I went to pre algebra and I had to take it this year and I have a 42. Other than that my grades are all 90s and 80s but I have extremely hard time submitting work on time and I tend to procrastinate and than not turn the assignment in until after it’s due, but my teachers are very flexible . My dad died when I was 7 but that had little affect on me until years later. I remember my response to my mom telling me was “ he was mean anyways” That has always killed me. Why did I say that? I loved him . I feel like such a disappointment to everyone , especially my family . I don’t understand why I’m like this, I want to change I really do but I don’t know why I don’t. It’s like I can’t control these urges I want to stop I try my best, please don’t judge me I know it’s bad I know I’m a bad ass little kid I wanna stop I don’t wanna put everyone through this anymore but idk. I have no where else to post this I fucking hate Reddit but idk bye don’t judge me . Everyone in the area around me is the same I don’t know why I was born into a town like this. I wish I was a good kid and had good influences around me. Sorry for this rant