I still love my abusive boyfriend

English is not my first language sorry if its hard to read.

I am 25(f) and have been with my boyfriend of 27(m), for two years and three months. We have been really happy together but our love has turned toxic, I have to end it for my own wellbeing.

We met in high school, for years we were friends, I always thought he was such a sensitive and sweet guy. After years of not being interested I suddenly was, we started to date and fell in love, I never thought he could be violent I trusted him completely. After a few months I started to see the signs, he was moody and whenever he was upset he would start to scream and started to hit things, I just thought he had a temper. He also struggled to relax, he always felt the need to smoke weed and drink compulsively, which started to create conflict between us (many of our arguments were about me wanting to go home, and he wanting to keep partying, he always won), He started to spend a lot of time in my house, whenever he shouted no matter the time I always tried to calm him down.

He within time started to get comfortable pushing me, restraining me, holding me down, holding my face (to make me look at me), pinching me, throwing kicks in my dirección, shouting so loud my ears hurt. He also insulted me calling me stupid, a bitch, dumb. I always forgave him because I loved him so much, he started to hit himself to show me he felt remorseful, telling me he wanted to kill himself for treating me that way. He wanted to break up for my sake, because he was hurting me and I always wanted to keep going. I thought that with love, treatment and therapy he could improve, he didnt. I refused to realize how bad things had gotten, I was naive, I loved him so much, I always pictured us getting married and having children, I was willing to try as many times as we could to find something that worked for us. He was diagnosed with OCD and many times we both used that to justify his behaviour, his difficulty to keep still, his obsessive behaviour, his intrusive thoughts, etc...

But two days ago, he told me he wanted a break from our relationship, he told me he felt suffocated and was so young still to be in such a serious relationship (I assumed this was one of his crazy moments that I needed to push him back to reality), I told him If he wanted a break we should do it gradually, let's see if you still feel this way in a few days, talk it out with your therapist etc.. (I didnt think it was real because he told me a few days ago how much he wanted to have a baby with me, he always had such strong changes of mind), we started to fight because he wanted to force me to agree with him that we needed a break like inmediatly, I told him i would rather break up. I told him to leave my house and take his things with him (i live alone and he lives with his parents), He got super angry and started shouting and kicking stuff (it was 2 AM), he threatened me with breaking all my furniture, i threatened him with recording him and exposing him to the world. He got scared and started to gather his clothes. I left him be, for about 30 min (i was in my room and he was in the living room), I went to see what he was doing since it was so quiet, he was sitting very calmly, i told him to leave my apartment now, he got angry again, and grabbed a knife and started to cut himself in his arm, he wanted me to see him, so I did, just so he would finally leave (he was also holding a knife so of course I did what he said), he also said to me "If you tell anybody about this I will kill myself and write your name in my suicide letter and tell everybody that its your fault". After that he finally left.

After this we have talked in the phone, I wanted to make sure he didnt kill himself, he didnt. He also never looked for help, so I am trying to leave this abusive relationship behind, because I dont think it could be a good relationship ever, He doesnt want to improve, he wants to drink and smoke. I went to therapy yesterday and she told me he probably has bipolar disorder since OCD is not a mental illnes that brings such explosions of anger.

Now my reason for writing this, I hate the fact that I miss him, I still love him, and everything reminds me of him, I would love to hug him. If I didnt have friends and family that care for me, I would try to look for him again, I am sure. Its really hard to leave him behind, i think i developed some type of sickness for him, like some co-dependency. I know the best thing for me is to leave him, and I am doing my best, I dont ever want to see my parents so distressed for my sake (they know very little, but seeing me so skinny and sad has them disturbed). So i need to push through, is just so hard. I just wished he was okay, then everything would be great. I dont think i could ever stop loving him.